“The days of the past few weeks have been nothing short of a roller coaster of emotions. Days of peace soon followed by the plummet to distress. We have been though war and it feels as though we are outnumbered. We experience miracles of success only to be followed by, what seems ambush and defeat. As my mind takes a moment to slow from the busy task oriented day, it leaves just enough space for the fear to rush in once again. Tonight I truly fear God is not aware of my pain threshold and I begin to wonder just how far he will push me. With the remnants of insanity still lurking in the doorway of my thoughts, I fear how easily they could return. I don’t have this faith that God will protect me, I find myself more wrapped in the fear of what he will allow next, and the question of, will that be the moment that pushes me over the edge.”
I wrote this about 2 weeks ago, in a tough moment. I am still riding the roller coaster, learning how to accept and combat a level of anxiety that is new to me. I found myself questioning God more than I ever have. This experience has made me wonder how I could even let the divorce of my parents send me into a depression years ago. This challenge with Zayne makes THAT challenge seem like “Jamie why were you such a whiner.” It’s similar to the eye-opener I experienced after I began chasing my fourth kid around. It was then I wondered how I ever thought ONE kid was a challenge. I just look at parents with one toddler and I just have to grin when they look a little frazzled, and giggle to myself, “Oh just wait till you have a 4-year-old, a 2 year-old and a baby on the hip.” And for those that don’t dive into the world of four kids, well maybe you can write a book on how nice sanity is and I can put that on my list of fictions to read. I digress… as most of you have noticed, humor, is something Jess and I both lean on to carry us though. They say laughter is good medicine, and I would have to agree.
Anyway, this challenge, has brought me to my knees, made me feel the most broken and weak I have ever felt. For most of my life I have found comfort in trusting God. I have always felt his presence to be a protective feeling. But I must admit, this past month I have been afraid of what else we will have to endure. My thoughts bouncing back and forth between, Jamie, get a grip, there are people who have been through so much worse than you and Oh please God, protect my family, I fear my heart can’t bear anymore pain. I found myself literally so petrified of what might be around the bend it was debilitating.
As I have worked through the past few weeks, I find myself clinging to the song I have placed below. I will trust in you. I am still scared, and I would like to tell you that I cling to my faith because I love God that much, or I know he loves me, or because that’s how strong my faith is. NOPE. It’s because right now the alternative of not having faith, not having a God who does care, is actually scarier. I hope my candor doesn’t offend anyone, I truly don’t mean to. And if you have never had your faith diminish to such a level, then I am happy for you. But please, give me grace and allow me the moment to reach out to those who have felt like a feel. I want to say to those that have been in this same boat that It’s ok. I truly believe it’s ok. I will hang on to this song because that is what I CHOOSE. Because that is what I WANT to hope. I told God the other day that I don’t feel guilty for questioning him, because I know it is in those moments of doubt that I challenge myself to see who He REALLY is. It is in those moments of doubt that I push the envelope, think outside of the box and demand he show me his power. It is in those moments I grow, because I am DESPARATE for it. I may throw my fit like a two year old in the middle of the mall wondering why I can’t ride Charlies Choo Choo train around the mall hall way, but when I am done, I dig, and dig and dig for more. So for those of you who have those moments of why have faith? I get it. I just soooooo get it!!! And to you, all I can say is, keep asking him, keep listening for him, and keep looking for those moments of evidence that he is there. And most of all dig deep for the power he has placed within YOU!!!! You may dig it out one speck of gold at a time, but there is more.