Super Z Update

Super Z update

This MRI was not what we had hoped for.  Unfortunately the cyst we did surgery on for a second time has started to re-inflate, slowly, but still inflating.   Also there are 3 new cysts on the other side of his brain.  And lastly there is a brain tumor forming on his brain stem.  I know that is a lot to take in and I’m very sorry for having to give this ROTTEN update.  I’d much rather post the fun ones.   However, I’d like to start off by saying how BLESSED we are.  Zayne as of right now is completely symptom free!! I didn’t think this MRI would come back with any bad news and things don’t always go as planned.  But this Mama is happy that her boy doesn’t have headaches and is LIVING LIFE!!!!  We are not telling Zayne, Ayden or Bo of this news so those of you that involve your kids in praying for our family just let them know that Zayne will be going back on chemo to help kick this tumors butt.  We want to keep energy positive and uplifting!!!  Don’t get me wrong I had my time to scream, shout profanities, to write God off just to say I’m sorry to Him a little bit later 😉  As a mother I don’t understand, and I’m NOT happy or by any means OK with this news, but I do know the POWER God has placed within us all.  God has always guided us, even when I am mad and yelling at Him, He always has a plan.  So when you see us give us a big hug and let us know you’re going to stay positive with us and that you’ve got our back.  I found myself struggling to post this because I want all the uplifting, positivity I can get going toward my kid.  And when you get news like this it’s hard to stay positive: / But then I felt God urging me to “Rally The Troops” again.  You all have been such an amazing support while we have been going through this 4 year journey and I know how much each and every one of you have been there for us to lean on.    Seeing people post they are praying for us or getting a text telling us something funny or to stay strong.  Or sharing an encouraging scripture!!  All of it serves a purpose and we notice!!! We appreciate all of it!! And a special thanks to our close family.  We have all been through it with this journey and we have cried, screamed, and told them the what if’s no one should know.  So I just want to say thankyou to my close group that has been there for me even when I’m not so fun to be around.  You guys are the best!!!

W e do have a plan; he will be going on oral chemo again.  Our oncologist in TX has actually been testing the pieces of tumor they took out from both brain surgeries against these 2 chemotherapies and they seem to be attacking the tumor. We head out to Devoss this Monday for blood-work and to pick up the first round of Chemo. So we are very hopeful that we can start hitting this tumor on his brain stem quickly and forcefully.  I can’t stress enough that we are going to stand strong and stay POSITIVE about this.  I know we will have our moments and I’m not saying I won’t have a weak moment and post a horrible blog, but overall I will CHOOSE to have joy in this trial, WE WILL run the race and WE WILL defeat this.   I hope every one of you will be able to join our family in choosing the same. Thank you again in advance for joining us in this fight!!  I cannot tell you how random it is that I feel strength or comfort throughout the day and I know someone is praying for us.  I will try my hardest to keep everyone updated, however my main goal for the next 2 months is to soak up both my boys and watch and learn from them ENJOYING life and soaking up summer!!!

Super Z Update!!!

I know It’s been a while since I’ve posted and my life has somewhat of a natural rhythm back,  I think I’ll dive back in!

Zayne started Physical and Occupational therapy , lots of issues trying to get in but finally after the evaluations, we were able to start!! And as much as we STILL miss Jody from ALIVE I am confident we are in good hands.  Particularly the occupational therapist.  She said some very interesting things during our evaluation.  One of the things she said was “Don’t ever let the doctors get in your head about what he can and cannot do.  I have been studying the brain and if a normal pathway is damaged  the brain will literally create a new one,  not only with his left hand but with his eye sight.   I am a true believer in miracles and I believe what you put your mind to, you will accomplish!  The brain is a magical thing!”  I sat there staring at her.   I could almost see specks of pixie dust light up her cheeks and her smile was real and sincere.  She was super comfortable with Zayne and seemed excited to be working with him.  I felt more hope coming out of her than I had felt in anyone.  She was confident and seemed to radiate light as she worked with him.  I felt we had found the Tinker Bell of the therapists J  And the more we work with her the more I am convinced she is!! She’s tough but fun!  She pushes him not only physically but mentally.  If his hand won’t respond to letting go of a toy she will rub down his arm and say “Just think  RELAX….I just want you to tell your brain to relax that hand” in a soft voice.  She is teaching him not only to be a go getter but also to take a breath when it’s needed.  When he gets frustrated she makes him do 1 more to PROVE to him he can and then she moves onto something fun!  She was also very aware of his eye sight issues.  My son is so amazing at compensating that a lot of times people will forget he really can’t see much.  I never once had to remind her that he needed things blown up or need to be up close!!  I truly felt blessed sitting there watching her push him and encourage him all at the same time.  She believes in my son.  You could feel it oozing off of her!!  And everything she said about miracles and KNOWING the brain is more powerful than we give it credit for…do I want someone like that working with my son?  Yes!!!  YES I DO!!!!  I don’t think there is enough of that in this world.  And I am excited to see what he can do under her care!  She has us going out there 3 times a week and I am excited about that!!  We are also taking him to a special Chiropractor in Ann Arbor that helps re-align the c-spine to open up pinched nerves!! And we have already seen AMAZING results in his hand!!!  Slow but capable!! And his Braille is going phenomenal!!!  Laura (His Braille teacher) tells me often how ahead he is for his age!!  She said he is a very quick learner and is excited for how far he’s come!   I feel like things are coming together!  Ayden is simply doing awesome in school and LOVING it!!!  When your kid comes home from a long day at school and says “BEST…DAY…EVER mom!”  I’m pretty sure Mrs. Halstead is doing some pretty amazing things!!!  We are also looking to dig a hole next month for our house!!! Our family could not be more blessed!!   Don’t get me wrong we all have our days of looking up and screaming WHY but every time I feel life is crazy or I get down because Zayne has a whole new path to learn, I remember how amazing my life really is!!  I have 2 beautiful boys that are good kids and are learning so much about themselves!!  Not to mention I have amazing friends and family that when I do break down and lose my mind they are there to pick me up or DEMAND I get dressed and go to lunch 😀

Life really is good!  And there are blessings all around us every day!! I find when I’m having a bad day it helps to look at the super small things and just say thankyou for them.  The other day I smelled the dirt coming off the field the farmer was plowing and I had to smile.  I’m thankful for the smell of dirt!!  It means warm days ahead, beautiful sunshine, vibrant flowers and yummy veggies!!!    And tomorrow I may wake up and not want to get out from under the covers and I may want to puke at the blog I just posted, but today….today is a good day 🙂

Wear the white skirt!

My sister and I were shopping the other day and she found me a white jean jacket that I must say is ADORBS!!!  The best shopping days for me are simply following Jess around with my cart sipping my coffee as she pulls things of the rack for me to try on, yeah, it’s the life.  Anyway, back to the ADORBS white jean jacket.   As she handed me the jacket, I said with a crinkly face, “It’s white. When would I where it?”

“This Jacket will match tons of stuff, you will love it.” She replied

I went on to explain, “It’s white, I will just end up getting it dirty.  You know that white skirt that I wanted sooooooo bad and  I searched high and low for it?” She nodded, so I went on.  “Well, I never wear it because I am afraid I will get it dirty and it won’t last as long.”

As I explained myself to her, I couldn’t help but think it just didn’t make any sense.  I mean yeah, the skirt was lasting beautifully, but I only wore it once a year. Hmmmmm.  Doesn’t seem like I am enjoying that skirt that I literally searched for months to find.  I finally found it and now I admire it as it hangs in my closet.  As I think about brushing the dust off it and wearing it,  I ask myself, are you going to do anything today that would cause you to get that skirt dirty.  Hahahahahahahaha!  I know!  I could barely finish typing the sentence before I was bent over in laughter.  All my friends who know me personally are doubled over as well.   “Duh Jamie, this is YOU we are talking about.  Do you remember your white jeans and the ‘coffee incident’.   Oh and your white coat and the other ‘coffee incident’.” Hmmmm.  Maybe the theme isn’t “white” but rather “coffee”.  Naaaaah.

So there I was, in the middle of TJ Maxx asking myself the question.  “Do you want to by another closet ornament, or should you just spend your money elsewhere?”  And just then I realized my frame of mind was STUPID.  That’s right, just plain STUPID.  There is no better way to put it.  And this very instance can be a metaphor for those moments in my life when I don’t listen to Mrs. Frizzle’s(from the Magic School Bus) amazing advice, “Take chances, get messy and make mistakes.”  Seriously let’s apply for that job, take that painting class, sign up for that committee, and let our kids drink out of the milk jug….ok, maybe that’s too far. But for real, wear the white skirt.  Yup, someday I might grass stain it, get dirt on it, or maybe a kid will bump into me with chocolate on their hands.  Let’s be honest, it will probably end up with coffee on it.  But it doesn’t matter.  I bought the skirt for a reason, it should go out with a bang!  A shackled life in my closet is no way for such cuteness to remain.  So this summer I vow to wear the heck out of it!!  Maybe it will last the whole summer, maybe I will spill coffee on it next week… but it’s certainly better than hiding in my closet.  So I tell ya, WEAR THE WHITE SKIRT. LIFE IS TOO SHORT NOT TO.

Oh and I did buy the white Jacket. 🙂 And she was right!  I LOVE IT!!!

She believed she could…so she did

Back to school at 38.  YUP!  That’s me.   As some of you may know, I was a “college dropout” as my husband affectionately calls me.  It was my pregnancy that caused me to put my music education degree on hold, and I will spare you the funny, yet probably slightly inappropriate comment I shoot back at him.  Over 18 years ago now, I found out the 24 hour flu I had, would not leave for another 3 months.  At the end of my sophomore college semester, I threw up in the bathroom of the music building, brushed my teeth with the toothbrush in my purse and took my last final exam and didn’t return next semester. But I tell ya, I never looked back.  One by one my kids advanced my greatest career ever.  Well, maybe advanced isn’t the right word.  In parenting, yeah sure you can learn to diagnose every sickness under the sun, you become a human lie detector, and you can mend a broken heart better than any surgeon, but as far as a parental promotion, well, let’s just say some days you are an expert in your field and the very next you are staring at them wondering what wrong button you pushed.

As my kids got older, I decided I wanted to be a life coach, and perhaps someday go into counseling.  I worked hard following my passion and soon(well, not really soon, it took a while), I had a certificate hanging on the wall of my office(which is super cute by the way).  What an amazing, and challenging adventure it was.  Although, I will say, my biggest challenge was me against myself.  I prove to be the biggest obstacle to anything I do.  And now I have decided to take on yet a new challenge.  Yup! I LOVE life coaching, and now I am going after that counseling degree.

Currently, school is in full swing, but getting there was quite the feat (Hence the blog silence. Brain surgery and college left not much time to blog).  I had to get 15 credits completed between May and the end of September to qualify for the program I wanted to get into.  It seemed daunting, and quite honestly I wasn’t sure if I was going to pull it off.  Yet, 2 summer classes, 2 CLEP tests, a weekend class, neglecting the hubby and kids, living on egg sandwiches and cereal,  giving up showers and make up, the kids running out of clean underwear,  letting the house fall apart, and contributing millions to Biggby’s coffee sales helped me squeak into my program just in time(so worth it).  I really am proud of me, and all my hard work.  But I gotta tell ya, again I was my biggest obstacle.  Let me show you my brain…

What if you fail?  What if you look stupid?  What if you are the dumbest one in your class.  What will your clients think? Oh Jamie, I know what your clients will think, just let me tell you they will think,  “What? You don’t have your degree? Well then you don’t know anything so I am not coming back!” That’s what your clients will think!   What if you spend all this money on college and then you aren’t successful enough to earn it back?  What if you can’t handle it all?  What if you forget  your kids?  Oh wait, you do that all the time and they seem ok, so  you can take that one off your stress list. Whew.  But, what if you go to college and then decide to you would rather be a car mechanic.  Hmmmm, actually mechanic is probably not your best career change, seeing that when you took your car in last week and answered their question of, “What’s wrong with it?” You said, “it makes an eeeerrrreeeeuuuu sound when it’s cold out and when I pull the gas thingy out of the holdery thingy, gas leaks out behind that one spot behind the gas thingy but in front of the wheely spot kinda, maybe in the middle of those.”  Yeah, probably have to come up with a different career change to stress about.

PMS- crop pic of mom

But then my sister gave me a mug that helps me tell that negative-self talk to shut-up!  And on this mug it reads… She believed she could, so she did.  I know underneath my insecurity and fear is a strength that I don’t give credit to often enough and it’s time to start.  I know deep down, this is what I am supposed to be doing right now, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, and I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.  So I make my coffee, topped with ready whip and a chocolate drizzle of course, and sip up those very words as I complete my studies.  “She believed she could, so she did.”


I share this to encourage you to join me in telling your negative self-talk to “shut up!”  When you realize it’s that negative voice in your head standing in your way.  Tell it to shut up and then choose to believe you can.  You can do whatever and even be whomever you want!

Dean Nixon posted a meme a little while ago that I find very inspiring….

we beat ourselves

And if you find you want help with that voice in your head telling you things your best friend would never say, give me a call.  The 4 Steps to Confidence coaching series is an amazing tool that will seriously change the way you see yourself.  I guarantee it… or your money back!


business card



Stress out, it’s magical…said no one ever

So the last week has brought up some, hmmmmm, “stress” I guess you could say. There are a few things tap dancing their way into my world, wait, that sounds too polite(as a writer/blogger I am trying to be more creative),  barging their way…dropping their way…. Oh I know, a couple situations came plummeting from the sky like bricks…well, maybe that is too dramatic….anyway… I think you get the point… STRESS!!!!   But as I sit here I gotta say I am reminded of what matters.  The kids and I snuck away to Columbus to visit my 2nd family.  The ones that aren’t biologically related to me but claim me anyway.  This evening there was a moment when life seemed crystal clear.  We were all watching the movie Sing.  It’s adorable.  Bo was sitting on my lap, Josh sat next to me.  Timmy was on the floor with his cousins and Kate was at the table building a domino creation with Zayne.

domino 2

As I looked around the room I was reminded that this is what really matters.  I glanced back at the TV just when the Gorilla busted out of jail to tell his son he was proud of him. This was so heart  warming, because in the previous seen they had a falling out and the dad sad, “How did I end up with a son like you.”  So of course my heart melted when he busted out of jail to tell his son he was proud of him.  Oh I am a sap for feel good movies, especially kids’ cartoon movies. As I soaked up the room full of kids and family, all entranced by the magic of fantasy, my mind began to wander.  In a just a moment, a pile of movies flashed across my mind, movies that inspire people and it seems, most of them carry similar messages.  Messages of dreaming, or taking a risk to follow their passion, or maybe it is trading fame and fortune for family and love.  Just think about a few, Seabiscuit, Family Man, The Blind Side and the Field of Dreams, I go on and on.  But my point is, people don’t make movies about how to stress out and love it!  The moral is never, family has no magic, wealth and success are all I need.  There are no blockbuster hits that end with that inspiring theme, “Don’t try… You will NEVER make it”   Nope, we want to see the impossible, watch dreams be reached and watch families reunite.  So tonight I am reminded that no matter the challenges around the next bend, it is these moments I want to focus on and soak up.

I know I am always writing about the magic… and quite honestly I hope I never stop.  Life is magical.  And even when it seems you have run out of pixie dust.  There is nothing like a Disney movie and everyone piled on the couch to remind you that you have a spare bag of pixie dust in your other pocket. Granted sometimes I forget I have it there for days…ok maybe even weeks, but when I remember, I just gotta get it out.

kate and Z

When did you stop writing…

“When did you stop writing?” my life coach asked me, sending my thoughts to canvas my brain, looking for clues as to why my stress level seems to be measuring up to Mount Everest these days. Writing has been a part of me for some time now.  It has been an outlet and a way for me to share my heart and passion with my readers.  But lately I have been telling myself I am too busy to write.  Too busy to write? Seriously the “too busy” phrase is as popular as the Big Mac, and probably worse for you.

I remember about a week ago I pulled into my driveway, and as the garage door raised I thought to myself, ugh, I have to get the laundry done and cook dinner.  As I let out a sigh of displeasure I asked  myself, Do you remember when you moved into your first house as a newlywed, how excited you were to cook dinner for your handsome man?    Do you remember when the first few onesies came through the laundry you were so excited to lay those miniature outfits, that smelled of new baby, in the dresser drawers.   You weren’t simply doing a task that needed to be done; you were living life and loving it.

Life is moving at such a rapid pace and there are so many opportunities and expectations that, without us even realizing it, sometimes our magical experiences of life begin to grow a box next to them just waiting for the check mark.  And that empty box serves as a black hole that steals our energy and swallows up the magic converting that “experience” into a “task” to be done.   In that moment, when I watched the garage door rise, I realized I was putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with life, that  my once  magical experiences of wife and motherhood had grown those little empty boxes just waiting to be checked off.  Somewhere in between kids in school, Josh being a senior, Zayne’s brain surgery, my job coaching, me as a wife and a mother, and oh yeah, I went back to school(more in a later story), but somewhere in the middle of  all that, I forgot life is about the experience of it all, not the expectation of accomplishing it all.  Who cares if I get it all done right or if life is completely upside down sometimes.  So what if I have cleaned the same dirty socks and wiped the same counters and picked up the same kid’s junk…um, I mean prize possessions a million times.  How exciting that I am living the life I wanted.   And I want to soak up the magic, not check it off a list.  And while I am at it, I might as well give myself a break.  There is no list to accomplish…just life to live…so why take on the pressure.     So here I am, putting homework on the backburner, and letting the laundry go just another day…. and enjoying some writing; reminding myself to let go of the list and soak up the magic of life.

Do you believe in Magic?  I do.  And if you don’t believe, just take a minute and listen to the laughter of a child… you will hear it.  It’s magic.  A child doesn’t look at life as a “To do” list.  They see it as a “bucket list”.  They find the littlest of things entertaining, funny and worth exploring.  Last week on vacation Bo and Ayden spend a solid 45 minutes digging a hole in the sand… a hole.  To them it was exciting and interesting.  “Mom! Look!  We reached water!”  It was an amazing accomplishment.

So as the sun and warmth peek through to Michigan today, remind yourself to slow down, take a little of the pressure off yourself and remember to soak up life…look for the magic…it’s there, you just have to slow down enough to see it.

live life in the front row

Super Z Update

Well unfortunately our site is not working as far as photos go which I’m so bummed about 🙁

Zayne is doing AMAZING!!!!  MRI was reviewed our surgeon in TX and he agrees that there is NO growth from the main tumor or the cyst!!!  So the surgery was a success!!!  There was one spot that showed up on the MRI that is a little more enhanced, so the docs will keep there eye on it.  But no matter what the MRI says we believe Zayne is doing great!! He is back in school and loving it!!!  He is working hard at learning Braille!! And is phenomenal at math!!  We are very excited to see him back and involved with his friends 🙂

We do have a little bad news though.  We have been going to therapy at ALIVE in Charlotte and have loved every minuet of it….but we have to move facilities for insurance reasons.  I don’t think we will find ANYONE like Jody Heisler 🙁  She made therapy so special for Zayne.  We were going there around Christmas time so she printed a letter from Santa to Zayne, postmarked the North Pole and all 🙂  She was always going above and beyond.  She took time to create a personal relationship with him and just made it fun!!  She has an amazing gift and we are beyond blessed to have been on the receiving end of it!!  So come next week we will start at Comprehensive in Jackson.  Fingers crossed we will fit right in.

He is still wearing a leg brace and will continue to until he is strong enough not to snap his knee.  He is working very hard at trying to move that left hand.  He can point his pointer finger out now (to bad I can’t show you a picture)  He is such a hard worker.  He gets frustrated easily but I think he knows he can do whatever he puts his mind to.  He has been asking a lot of questions lately.  “Why did I come out like this after this brain surgery?  Did they mess up?  How come I’m not normal?  How long before I am normal Mom?”  Crazy to hear that come out of my 6 Year olds mouth but we are doing our best to help him work through all the adjustments that are coming our way.  Ayden is incredible with him!!  We couldn’t be more pleased with how he has handled this whole thing.  Truly growing up!!

As always thankyou for your support!!!  We have been showed such kindness and always pay it forward when we can 🙂

To My Amazing School!!!

Yesterday I had the opportunity to stay in Ayden’s class while Jake took Zayne to therapy.  As I sat there I heard the hustle and bustle of all the kids coming in putting their coats and hats away and getting ready for a day of fun.  I looked to the front of the classroom and there Mrs. Halstead was, doing all the girls hair in crazy styles for Grinch day.  Out came the ribbon and by the time she was done she had a class full of smiling little Who-ville children!  Throughout the morning different teachers came in the class to do different fun “Games” with the kids.  I felt honored sitting there watching all this take place.  These teachers LOVE our kids!!  They LOVE what they do.

And today as I headed into the school to drop Ayden off for his last day before Christmas Break I found myself getting sappy and wishing I could bring a big Santa bag in full of goodies for all the teachers and staff that work so hard to make sure our kids are not only safe and educated but also feel special and encouraged.  As I walked by the office I see Jackie in there smiling to all who came through the door.  I head down the hallway and notice Mrs. Kidder’s room.  She is always smiling and has such a warmth about her.  I see Mrs. Chakowski’s and Mrs. Stoker’s room.  Both amazing teachers who care for our kids.  And Ayden’s teacher Mrs. Halstead is standing at her door in her pj’s greeting all the kids that come into her room with a big smile!!  It was PJ day today and Ayden wanted to bring his life-size Stich to class.  I asked Mrs. Halstead if it was ok, seeing how the stuffed animal was like having an extra kid in class.  She gave me a half grin and said “Of course it is!” I love how she gives the kids a chance to be a kid.  Ayden was beyond excited to bring his stuffed animal in and show the class. I kissed Ayden goodbye and headed toward the door.  I looked down to the kindergarten hallway.   I found myself thinking of Mrs. Wade, Mrs. Dickinson and my all time favorite Mrs. Smith.  What a rockin Kindergarten team!!  I wished I could get them something meaningful so they would know how much I, as a parent, appreciate EVERYTHING they do.  And as I walked out of the school this morning I prayed for God to bless each and every one of these amazing teachers and staff in a special way.  I truly appreciate how much they have done for me and my family!!  And that’s just my kids…..they have 20 more they take care of.  It just amazes me.  I hope they know they are the true super-heroes of today.  They spend their days teaching and growing our youngsters, making sure they get everything they need.  If they are behind in a subject they get them the help, they encourage them to be true to themselves and what they want to do and be.  They truly inspire and push our kids to succeed.  I just love this little town and the people that make it great!!!  Merry Christmas!!!

Super Z update

Super Z update

I’m so sorry it’s been so long since our last post.  I am sure everyone has been a little crazy with the holiday season approaching, or more like coming at mach 10 😀

Zayne has been doing amazing in PT!!   I feel like its been a rollercoaster with everything going on with him.  He has been quite happy these past few weeks though!!  It’s been great.  In fact, both my boys seem to be handling life pretty well at home.  Sometimes when the boys are playing I hear Aydens little voice say “Try with your left hand Zayne…you can do it.”  Or the other day when Ayden came up to me and said “Mom when we are wrestling I make sure I don’t use my left arm so it’s fair.”  My heart melts.  And then to watch Zayne in therapy!!  He really does a good job at pushing himself, don’t get me wrong he has his days where he doesn’t want to do it but when we get there his attitude stays pretty good.  I do have to give a shout to Jodi Heisler.


She is a PTA at Alive and we have worked with her since day 1!!  Angie Bandy, a friend of mine and a physical therapist,  was amazing and met with me before we signed up at Alive.  She gave me Jodi’s name and told us she was great with kids, pushes them enough but also has fun and she was right!!


Jodi has been phenomenal with him and how ironic that she is a Springportian at that!!  She knew all about super Z before we even got there.  She has scored in Zayne’s book and was even offered a ticket to Neverland with him J  She has heard a couple adventures of Neverland and was even told she wasn’t allowed to go on Sunday’s because they are closed. 😀


His adorable imagination never ceases to amaze me!!  His leg is coming along nicely, we are dealing with pronation of the foot but I feel like that will bounce back quickly once we get the right foot brace.  His hand is making big improvements but is still very slow.  It’s funny because to get him to open his fingers is a good day, and there was a time I wouldn’t consider that progress but being in this situation now…that is PROGRESS!!!  It’s still very frustrating for him and to build legos takes a long time for him but he still does it.  His eye sight is not such good news.  Jake and I have noticed some major changes over these couple weeks and are trying to stay positive.

My emotions throughout it all have been up and down.  Everything is very overwhelming and yet I’m so thankful.  God is slowly speaking to me and I’m slowly allowing Him to thaw my heart.  It’s funny going through something like this.  Shakes you to your very core, and somedays you come out of it and you count your blessings and other days your curse the very faith that got you through the crisis.  I don’t know His mighty plan but I do know that my boys are loved.  And that is essentially all I want for them.  To KNOW they are loved!!  To know that Jake and I would walk with them through anything.

I am going to say things are very up and down right now in my mind, so I apologize now for the rollercoaster of blogs that may or may not be coming.  But once again thankyou to everyone who has given to the Go fund me….your support is overwhelming and so greatly appreciated.  A shout out to Chief Luce for making Zayne an honorary police officer.




Zayne was GEEKED!!!  Has an official badge and everything 🙂  Ayden says “Um…can Zayne arrest people now?”  It was a lot of fun!!

Also a shout to Marks Place in Eaton Rapids for the fundraiser!!! It was wonderful seeing some of the faces that came in that day 🙂


The support and love we have gotten from people is amazing and helps me know GOOD does win.  There may be a lot of evil in this world but GOOD will ALWAYS come out on top.


Super Z update

“Mom….my head hurts.”  Zayne said as I kissed his forehead goodnight.  Fear gripped my heart so hard I had to mentally tell myself to breathe in.  “A headache? Again? Show me where buddy.”  He put his hand on the top of his head and said “All over here.”  Exactly where they were before brain surgery.  My brain hit mock 10.  I couldn’t help but let my mind go back to rehab.  I didn’t have to worry about anything there… cleaning, cooking, fixing lunches, catching up on bills.  I had one goal.  Get my kid walking.  So that’s what I focused on. Not saying it wasn’t hard but less plates in the air.  Now that we had been home for a small minute I found myself coming under the weight of all my responsibilities once again.  And this…the headaches…I wasn’t prepared for them on top of everything else.   Zayne’s anxiety level has been eye opening but I know with time and baby steps he will come out of it.  When he gets frustrated playing legos because his left hand doesn’t work at all I know with time he will get used to it and hopefully with a lot of time it will get better and better.  It’s all been an adjustment.  Good days of feeling blessed that I have my boy mentally, and days of feeling so bad for him not being able to do what he is used to doing.  UP and down…up and down.  I can handle these waves.  Headaches?  Not so much.   At first I just thought they were because he was fighting a cold.  Now, 3 weeks later,I have to realize they might be something more.   I gave him meds once again and put him to bed.   I wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water.  I started feeling the tension in my body.  My neck and shoulders felt as if they had been soldered together.   Life hit me full force the past few months.  I was just exhausted.  I was done.  I could feel myself getting bitter.   Bitter about how much my kid had to go through, wondering if we went through all this and are STILL going through all this for nothing.  Why go through surgery, in-patient rehab, out-patient rehab to STILL have headaches.  I found myself discussing this with God.  And I wasn’t very happy.  I find myself questioning what the point is.  Everyone has their beliefs and I also have mine, but I hear my own voice in my head dripping with anger…..Why?

A friend of mine told me a long time ago to demand God show up.  And I can’t help but wonder… does it help?  If He has this almighty plan all laid out what good does it do if I beg and plead?  So why do it?  I do know there is something that happens when I begin to plead with God.  My guard is let down.  I become vulnerable.  I become raw.  And like it or not there is a transforming that takes place in that raw state.  I cease to take control and by doing that I somehow accept.  Accept what is and the role I play in it all.  So there I was…trying to let go.  Pleading….asking Him to show me that I truly heard Him and I didn’t make a huge mistake of going to TX.  I’m tired of being here.  I’m tired of being exhausted.  I’m tired of trying to find a fix.  I’m tired.  I’m just tired.  Show me what I’m fighting for.  Show me there is a victory. 

The next morning we went to church for the first time since surgery.  It was wonderful getting all the hugs we did and just feeling all the people.  My church has got to be one of the warmest churches I’ve ever attended.  I found myself sitting in-between my boys listening to the worship and quietly singing these words  “You give life, You give hope, you bring light to darkness, You restore every heart that is broken.”  And the bitterness seeped into heart.  I could feel it.  And as quick as it comes I remind myself to focus on the joy and how blessed I am to simply KNOW and have a relationship with God.  How blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me and are praying constantly for my family.  How blessed I am that my son is right next to me and I didn’t have to say goodbye that day of surgery.  I have NOTHING to complain about.  And yet I find myself wanting to be passive aggressive with God and give him the cold shoulder.  I feel if He would just communicate with me, be open with me I would feel better about our walk.  Deep down I know I will never walk away from God, I know I don’t want to .  But right now I feel hurt by Him.  I feel like He’s asked me to be this mom without FULLY equipping me for it.  And yet I almost don’t want to admit that I feel like this because my son is HERE.  He is still Zayne.  I can still LOVE him and HOLD him and WATCH him grow.  This war rages within me and Im ashamed to admit it, wanting to ask grace from people who really know what goes on in my head but maybe….I’m the one I need grace from.  God surely doesn’t care if I get mad at him and yell…it’s not like he didn’t make me this way….maybe it’s the fact that I’m letting myself down by having a weakness I don’t like.  A weakness of not appreciating what I have and wishing things were different.  I told my mom of the feelings I was having and how I felt like I was just throwing this pity party and if God would just answer my questions I might feel better and she simply said “Sweetie don’t forget that even when your kids are throwing a fit you have to wait for them to be DONE throwing the fit for them to HEAR you.”

I know I have asked alot throughout this journey and I am so thankful for all the support 🙂  We truly feel it, and I’m sorry if I sound selfish and ungrateful. We are truly blessed and we know that….please don’t misunderstand.