I first off want to apologize for how LONG it has been since I last wrote. He has been doing great on the chemo pills!! He takes one morning and night and no nausea as of now and its been 3 months!! In fact, no side effects as of now except for the multiplying of warts. OYE….as if those things weren’t hard enough to get rid of in general. But I’ll take warts over sickness ANYDAY!! Of course he is a champ!! He has been juggling school, therapy, doctors appointments, chiropractor appointments. I gotta say for being as young as he is I’m just super proud of the fact that he LOVES therapy, LOVES school and only complains now days when an MRI is coming or when he has to get a poke. And for this Mama, I can handle that. We do go back for an MRI today October 2nd and get results on the 5th. I do feel differently handling it this time around. I don’t feel as crazy and I find myself making moments count. Playing games, digging in the sand, counting his post it’s, reading books, crafting more and just having those quality moments together. Sometimes I do find myself thinking of the tumor being on his brain stem and the what if’s invade the quiet peaceful places in my mind. And when they do I feel like I need someone to rush in with the paddles and revive me back to this reality, but… I work through them as best I can and move on. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy these moments very well breathing into a paper bag 😉 He’s such a neat kid, his imagination is awe inspiring. And his personality is just adorable to watch unfold. And concentrating on that sounds a lot better than trying to figure out if the chemo is going to work or what the plan of action will be if it doesn’t or all the other haunting what if’s.
He LOVES his teacher Mrs. Halstead and LOVES his aid Mrs. Kenton! I feel they are so good at working together and understanding of what Zayne needs!! And some of the stories I hear…my boy gets so spoiled by such amazing people!! I really couldn’t ask for more support up at the school for my boys!! There are so many loving and watchful eyes on them J Makes it that much easier letting them branch out.
Ayden is doing great as well!! He is rocking out school and playing football. Never thought I would say I’m a football mom 😀 But low and behold he likes it. Jake is actually helping coach and seeing them out there together on Saturday mornings has been a blessing. There is something magical about watching my husband teach our boys!! Nothing like it!!
And on top of all that we have started the process of building our house!! Our basement is in and framing will start soon!! AHHHHH!!!!! I still can’t believe it! The ways we have been blessed by people is just unending. Blessed so much that thank you doesn’t seem to cover it. Jake and I plan to pay it forward and hopefully bless others as we have been!!
So my last post, “A Conversation Between Me and God“, was a bit on the dark side. I painted the picture of what happens when I let my fear and my imagination play together. It’s certainly not pretty. In the Four Steps to Confidence coaching series, one of the pieces I on work with clients, is putting boundaries on their thoughts and imagination. Well, just like anyone else, I have to constantly practice enforcing the boundaries on my thoughts too. Lately it has been more of a challenge than usual. After Zayne’s last brain surgery I found myself allowing my fear to run rampant and my last blog was a snip it of what that looks like at times.
However, today, I am writing about some new employment for my imagination. Rather than allowing my fear to continue to call the shots, I am learning to power my imagination with hope and faith. Shortly after that conversation I had with God in my last blog, I found myself asking the question, why not send my kids some angels? And seeing that I couldn’t find a reason not to, I put my imagination to work with my faith, even though sometimes it is only a mustard seed. Fortunatly, I heard a story once that said that is enough 😉
So I sent 2 angels to accompany my kids through life. These angels walk just a step behind each of my kids, one at their right and one at their left. Even though their wings are not outstretched, I can tell they will be massive when needed. I can see their strength in their weight as they hang from each angel who still so effortlessly carries them. The very top crest of their wings towering just above my children’s heads. Each angel carries themselves differently based on each kid’s personality. Josh’s are each strong, wise and protective. They offer protection and guidance when he needs it. One of Kate’s is much like a body guard, tall and stoic, while the other is more like a sister. She is there for comradery. Her wings are ever so delicately shimmered in color reminding me much of Kate’s personality when she was four years old. I figured this would be good since she has all brothers. 😉 Timmy’s and Bo’s angels are protective as well, but they have a little bit of that childlike playfulness to them, giving them a bit of a skip in their step when they need it.
So now when fear’s boney grip tries to pry it’s way into the crevasses of my thoughts, well I take a moment to breath and imagine these protectors with each of my kids. I told my kids of their personal guards, so when times get tough and I am not right there, they know they have someone to lean on.
Now I am not writing this to say that I am right, or tell you how to have faith. Frankly your spiritual life is between you and your maker. I am just sharing with you a piece of my faith experience that has helped me, in hopes that you would be encouraged to enforce some boundaries on your own fear. And if you need any help you know where to find me. (just to let a little secret out, the 4 steps to confidence be at a special sale price this fall, watch for more info on my Facebook Page.) Till then…imagine great things for the remainder of the summer!
My imagination runs. And not down the “how cool it would be path”. Not the path of, wonder and awe. Not the path full of light and adventure. Not down the path where I conquer my uncertainty, pushing to impossible heights. Nope, not today. Today my imagination runs down a different path, almost as if I am being drug against my will. As soon as I take the slightest peek down this dark, foggy almost swampy path, peering with slight hesitation, I feel something clutch my wrist and I am pulled along this rocky, yet muddy, cold wet road. The grip on my wrist is tight and at first I fight it hoping to run back to a different path, but it drags me further and further, gaining speed till my legs struggle to keep pace of whatever is dragging me. I reach to pry its cold boney clutch, when I see something that catches my eye. I stop resisting and I take a closer look. It is my failures. Failures from my past all piled up and yet I can see them individually. Moments later my attention is pulled to the right of the path where there is a different pile of failures, it is those I might end up making in the future. Not wanting to stay there I follow, almost willingly, this icy pull again on my wrist. Moments later I see so much sadness, it is heart wrenching. But what is it. I indulge my imagination and realize my family is in pain, crying, I am not even sure what they are crying about, so to help me out my imagination comes up with all the possibilities it could be to fill in the blanks. Someone could be hurt physically or emotionally, perhaps a car accident, a divorce or a terminal illness. The grip pulls at my wrist again, as I look down at my wrist I realize it is fear. Fear has a tight grip and is pulling me further down this path and my imagination keeps allowing it to pull me deeper until we reach my deepest fear. I almost can’t bear to see the scene, but I glance and in just one moment is it too late. My fear and imagination have become extremely powerful as a duo. The tragedies I witness bring me to my knees and I wonder just how long I will be able to stay conscious before my body shuts down in overwhelming emotion. I have experienced this before. When my fear joins forces with my imagination, when I let it run long enough I am incapacitated, a total slave to the fear and “what if’s” swirling around me. As the darkness comes, worry and despair seep over this road I have wandered way too far down. It is a thick sludgy substance engulfs me on my knees. As this worry and despair begin to flood my body I can feel myself fading. And in that moment I reach up, pleading to heavens that this insanity would not overtake me. Somewhere in the far of distance I hear a quite urging. Let them go. Why? Why would I let them go? I knew he was talking about my children.
“I don’t know that you will protect them.” I yelled into the middle of these woods. “In fact it has become quite clear to me that you will allow them to endure more than I would ever be willing to let happen.” I almost sneered. “So Why? Tell me, tell me why? I would love to trust you, but honestly I don’t.” I said with less resentment, just matter of fact.
“Because if you don’t this fear will consume you and you will die before your time.” The small urging, almost voice pressed on my heart.
“Seriously! Is that all you have for me! Come on! Give me something good.” I cried in desperation.
There the small presence was again, only its presence seemed a little stronger this time. This time sending me the message, “Although you can’t see, I can. My heart aches for your pain, but I can see victory in the end, however, there is yet a victory now, and that is you.”
“Your heart aches for me. Ha! I doubt it. If it did you would do something for me.” My voice riddled with pain and bitterness.
“There is a treasure. A treasure you can’t yet comprehend, but if you trust me it will keep unfolding to you. There is a rainbow at the end of this flood. And though your seas are rough, I have made you to walk on water, you know this. I told you this years ago, and in that moment so long ago, you believed me. It is ok that you don’t believe be now. I can understand what it must look like from your perspective, but from mine…well you will see. But right now I need you to see something.
“See what?” I questioned this voice, wondering what it would possibly show me that would help right now.
“You need to realize that fear is not gripping your wrist Jamie. You are gripping the wrist of fear. If you let go of fear. I can show you things.” This voice was now almost audible adorned with peace and strength both at the same time.
“I am not really sure I want you to show me. I don’t like your plan! I told you this, your plan SUCKS!” As soon as I utter the words, I realize, I really do think his plan sucks at the moment, but I still believe in him. So for a moment I am tempted to relinquish my grip on fear. For a moment I am contemplating letting go and trusting his words are true. Ya know, about the rainbow and me walking on water.
“Before I let go I need you to promise me one thing!” I pleaded.
“Because I can’t bear it any other way, and I don’t feel it is too much to ask. Please, just as you have shown up for me in my darkest of places and made yourself so real to me, please show up for my kids. I don’t know what adversities lie ahead of them, so please, get in their ear. When they are clutching to fear and experiencing this insanity I never want them to know, please promise me, you will make yourself real to them. I can only teach them so much, but I know if they can feel you and hear you, then they can walk though their own trials. I can’t be right there for them all the time, and I know sometimes you have had to show yourself to me in a way I could see you and hear you. Please, do this one thing for me. Do whatever it takes to show them you are there in the midst of everything. And then, I feel I can begin to release my grip on this fear.
To my readers: I hope you hear the message of hope. My fear can be scary, but I do my best to latch on to my faith to carry me through. Here is a song that I have been clinging to lately, hope it will help others.
This MRI was not what we had hoped for. Unfortunately the cyst we did surgery on for a second time has started to re-inflate, slowly, but still inflating. Also there are 3 new cysts on the other side of his brain. And lastly there is a brain tumor forming on his brain stem. I know that is a lot to take in and I’m very sorry for having to give this ROTTEN update. I’d much rather post the fun ones. However, I’d like to start off by saying how BLESSED we are. Zayne as of right now is completely symptom free!! I didn’t think this MRI would come back with any bad news and things don’t always go as planned. But this Mama is happy that her boy doesn’t have headaches and is LIVING LIFE!!!! We are not telling Zayne, Ayden or Bo of this news so those of you that involve your kids in praying for our family just let them know that Zayne will be going back on chemo to help kick this tumors butt. We want to keep energy positive and uplifting!!! Don’t get me wrong I had my time to scream, shout profanities, to write God off just to say I’m sorry to Him a little bit later 😉 As a mother I don’t understand, and I’m NOT happy or by any means OK with this news, but I do know the POWER God has placed within us all. God has always guided us, even when I am mad and yelling at Him, He always has a plan. So when you see us give us a big hug and let us know you’re going to stay positive with us and that you’ve got our back. I found myself struggling to post this because I want all the uplifting, positivity I can get going toward my kid. And when you get news like this it’s hard to stay positive: / But then I felt God urging me to “Rally The Troops” again. You all have been such an amazing support while we have been going through this 4 year journey and I know how much each and every one of you have been there for us to lean on. Seeing people post they are praying for us or getting a text telling us something funny or to stay strong. Or sharing an encouraging scripture!! All of it serves a purpose and we notice!!! We appreciate all of it!! And a special thanks to our close family. We have all been through it with this journey and we have cried, screamed, and told them the what if’s no one should know. So I just want to say thankyou to my close group that has been there for me even when I’m not so fun to be around. You guys are the best!!!
W e do have a plan; he will be going on oral chemo again. Our oncologist in TX has actually been testing the pieces of tumor they took out from both brain surgeries against these 2 chemotherapies and they seem to be attacking the tumor. We head out to Devoss this Monday for blood-work and to pick up the first round of Chemo. So we are very hopeful that we can start hitting this tumor on his brain stem quickly and forcefully. I can’t stress enough that we are going to stand strong and stay POSITIVE about this. I know we will have our moments and I’m not saying I won’t have a weak moment and post a horrible blog, but overall I will CHOOSE to have joy in this trial, WE WILL run the race and WE WILL defeat this. I hope every one of you will be able to join our family in choosing the same. Thank you again in advance for joining us in this fight!! I cannot tell you how random it is that I feel strength or comfort throughout the day and I know someone is praying for us. I will try my hardest to keep everyone updated, however my main goal for the next 2 months is to soak up both my boys and watch and learn from them ENJOYING life and soaking up summer!!!
I know It’s been a while since I’ve posted and my life has somewhat of a natural rhythm back, I think I’ll dive back in!
Zayne started Physical and Occupational therapy , lots of issues trying to get in but finally after the evaluations, we were able to start!! And as much as we STILL miss Jody from ALIVE I am confident we are in good hands. Particularly the occupational therapist. She said some very interesting things during our evaluation. One of the things she said was “Don’t ever let the doctors get in your head about what he can and cannot do. I have been studying the brain and if a normal pathway is damaged the brain will literally create a new one, not only with his left hand but with his eye sight. I am a true believer in miracles and I believe what you put your mind to, you will accomplish! The brain is a magical thing!” I sat there staring at her. I could almost see specks of pixie dust light up her cheeks and her smile was real and sincere. She was super comfortable with Zayne and seemed excited to be working with him. I felt more hope coming out of her than I had felt in anyone. She was confident and seemed to radiate light as she worked with him. I felt we had found the Tinker Bell of the therapists J And the more we work with her the more I am convinced she is!! She’s tough but fun! She pushes him not only physically but mentally. If his hand won’t respond to letting go of a toy she will rub down his arm and say “Just think RELAX….I just want you to tell your brain to relax that hand” in a soft voice. She is teaching him not only to be a go getter but also to take a breath when it’s needed. When he gets frustrated she makes him do 1 more to PROVE to him he can and then she moves onto something fun! She was also very aware of his eye sight issues. My son is so amazing at compensating that a lot of times people will forget he really can’t see much. I never once had to remind her that he needed things blown up or need to be up close!! I truly felt blessed sitting there watching her push him and encourage him all at the same time. She believes in my son. You could feel it oozing off of her!! And everything she said about miracles and KNOWING the brain is more powerful than we give it credit for…do I want someone like that working with my son? Yes!!! YES I DO!!!! I don’t think there is enough of that in this world. And I am excited to see what he can do under her care! She has us going out there 3 times a week and I am excited about that!! We are also taking him to a special Chiropractor in Ann Arbor that helps re-align the c-spine to open up pinched nerves!! And we have already seen AMAZING results in his hand!!! Slow but capable!! And his Braille is going phenomenal!!! Laura (His Braille teacher) tells me often how ahead he is for his age!! She said he is a very quick learner and is excited for how far he’s come! I feel like things are coming together! Ayden is simply doing awesome in school and LOVING it!!! When your kid comes home from a long day at school and says “BEST…DAY…EVER mom!” I’m pretty sure Mrs. Halstead is doing some pretty amazing things!!! We are also looking to dig a hole next month for our house!!! Our family could not be more blessed!! Don’t get me wrong we all have our days of looking up and screaming WHY but every time I feel life is crazy or I get down because Zayne has a whole new path to learn, I remember how amazing my life really is!! I have 2 beautiful boys that are good kids and are learning so much about themselves!! Not to mention I have amazing friends and family that when I do break down and lose my mind they are there to pick me up or DEMAND I get dressed and go to lunch 😀
Life really is good! And there are blessings all around us every day!! I find when I’m having a bad day it helps to look at the super small things and just say thankyou for them. The other day I smelled the dirt coming off the field the farmer was plowing and I had to smile. I’m thankful for the smell of dirt!! It means warm days ahead, beautiful sunshine, vibrant flowers and yummy veggies!!! And tomorrow I may wake up and not want to get out from under the covers and I may want to puke at the blog I just posted, but today….today is a good day 🙂
My sister and I were shopping the other day and she found me a white jean jacket that I must say is ADORBS!!! The best shopping days for me are simply following Jess around with my cart sipping my coffee as she pulls things of the rack for me to try on, yeah, it’s the life. Anyway, back to the ADORBS white jean jacket. As she handed me the jacket, I said with a crinkly face, “It’s white. When would I where it?”
“This Jacket will match tons of stuff, you will love it.” She replied
I went on to explain, “It’s white, I will just end up getting it dirty. You know that white skirt that I wanted sooooooo bad and I searched high and low for it?” She nodded, so I went on. “Well, I never wear it because I am afraid I will get it dirty and it won’t last as long.”
As I explained myself to her, I couldn’t help but think it just didn’t make any sense. I mean yeah, the skirt was lasting beautifully, but I only wore it once a year. Hmmmmm. Doesn’t seem like I am enjoying that skirt that I literally searched for months to find. I finally found it and now I admire it as it hangs in my closet. As I think about brushing the dust off it and wearing it, I ask myself, are you going to do anything today that would cause you to get that skirt dirty. Hahahahahahahaha! I know! I could barely finish typing the sentence before I was bent over in laughter. All my friends who know me personally are doubled over as well. “Duh Jamie, this is YOU we are talking about. Do you remember your white jeans and the ‘coffee incident’. Oh and your white coat and the other ‘coffee incident’.” Hmmmm. Maybe the theme isn’t “white” but rather “coffee”. Naaaaah.
So there I was, in the middle of TJ Maxx asking myself the question. “Do you want to by another closet ornament, or should you just spend your money elsewhere?” And just then I realized my frame of mind was STUPID. That’s right, just plain STUPID. There is no better way to put it. And this very instance can be a metaphor for those moments in my life when I don’t listen to Mrs. Frizzle’s(from the Magic School Bus) amazing advice, “Take chances, get messy and make mistakes.” Seriously let’s apply for that job, take that painting class, sign up for that committee, and let our kids drink out of the milk jug….ok, maybe that’s too far. But for real, wear the white skirt. Yup, someday I might grass stain it, get dirt on it, or maybe a kid will bump into me with chocolate on their hands. Let’s be honest, it will probably end up with coffee on it. But it doesn’t matter. I bought the skirt for a reason, it should go out with a bang! A shackled life in my closet is no way for such cuteness to remain. So this summer I vow to wear the heck out of it!! Maybe it will last the whole summer, maybe I will spill coffee on it next week… but it’s certainly better than hiding in my closet. So I tell ya, WEAR THE WHITE SKIRT. LIFE IS TOO SHORT NOT TO.
Oh and I did buy the white Jacket. 🙂 And she was right! I LOVE IT!!!
Back to school at 38. YUP! That’s me. As some of you may know, I was a “college dropout” as my husband affectionately calls me. It was my pregnancy that caused me to put my music education degree on hold, and I will spare you the funny, yet probably slightly inappropriate comment I shoot back at him. Over 18 years ago now, I found out the 24 hour flu I had, would not leave for another 3 months. At the end of my sophomore college semester, I threw up in the bathroom of the music building, brushed my teeth with the toothbrush in my purse and took my last final exam and didn’t return next semester. But I tell ya, I never looked back. One by one my kids advanced my greatest career ever. Well, maybe advanced isn’t the right word. In parenting, yeah sure you can learn to diagnose every sickness under the sun, you become a human lie detector, and you can mend a broken heart better than any surgeon, but as far as a parental promotion, well, let’s just say some days you are an expert in your field and the very next you are staring at them wondering what wrong button you pushed.
As my kids got older, I decided I wanted to be a life coach, and perhaps someday go into counseling. I worked hard following my passion and soon(well, not really soon, it took a while), I had a certificate hanging on the wall of my office(which is super cute by the way). What an amazing, and challenging adventure it was. Although, I will say, my biggest challenge was me against myself. I prove to be the biggest obstacle to anything I do. And now I have decided to take on yet a new challenge. Yup! I LOVE life coaching, and now I am going after that counseling degree.
Currently, school is in full swing, but getting there was quite the feat (Hence the blog silence. Brain surgery and college left not much time to blog). I had to get 15 credits completed between May and the end of September to qualify for the program I wanted to get into. It seemed daunting, and quite honestly I wasn’t sure if I was going to pull it off. Yet, 2 summer classes, 2 CLEP tests, a weekend class, neglecting the hubby and kids, living on egg sandwiches and cereal, giving up showers and make up, the kids running out of clean underwear, letting the house fall apart, and contributing millions to Biggby’s coffee sales helped me squeak into my program just in time(so worth it). I really am proud of me, and all my hard work. But I gotta tell ya, again I was my biggest obstacle. Let me show you my brain…
What if you fail? What if you look stupid? What if you are the dumbest one in your class. What will your clients think? Oh Jamie, I know what your clients will think, just let me tell you they will think, “What? You don’t have your degree? Well then you don’t know anything so I am not coming back!” That’s what your clients will think! What if you spend all this money on college and then you aren’t successful enough to earn it back? What if you can’t handle it all? What if you forget your kids? Oh wait, you do that all the time and they seem ok, so you can take that one off your stress list. Whew. But, what if you go to college and then decide to you would rather be a car mechanic. Hmmmm, actually mechanic is probably not your best career change, seeing that when you took your car in last week and answered their question of, “What’s wrong with it?” You said, “it makes an eeeerrrreeeeuuuu sound when it’s cold out and when I pull the gas thingy out of the holdery thingy, gas leaks out behind that one spot behind the gas thingy but in front of the wheely spot kinda, maybe in the middle of those.” Yeah, probably have to come up with a different career change to stress about.
But then my sister gave me a mug that helps me tell that negative-self talk to shut-up! And on this mug it reads… She believed she could, so she did. I know underneath my insecurity and fear is a strength that I don’t give credit to often enough and it’s time to start. I know deep down, this is what I am supposed to be doing right now, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, and I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. So I make my coffee, topped with ready whip and a chocolate drizzle of course, and sip up those very words as I complete my studies. “She believed she could, so she did.”
I share this to encourage you to join me in telling your negative self-talk to “shut up!” When you realize it’s that negative voice in your head standing in your way. Tell it to shut up and then choose to believe you can. You can do whatever and even be whomever you want!
Dean Nixon posted a meme a little while ago that I find very inspiring….
And if you find you want help with that voice in your head telling you things your best friend would never say, give me a call. The 4 Steps to Confidence coaching series is an amazing tool that will seriously change the way you see yourself. I guarantee it… or your money back!
So the last week has brought up some, hmmmmm, “stress” I guess you could say. There are a few things tap dancing their way into my world, wait, that sounds too polite(as a writer/blogger I am trying to be more creative), barging their way…dropping their way…. Oh I know, a couple situations came plummeting from the sky like bricks…well, maybe that is too dramatic….anyway… I think you get the point… STRESS!!!! But as I sit here I gotta say I am reminded of what matters. The kids and I snuck away to Columbus to visit my 2nd family. The ones that aren’t biologically related to me but claim me anyway. This evening there was a moment when life seemed crystal clear. We were all watching the movie Sing. It’s adorable. Bo was sitting on my lap, Josh sat next to me. Timmy was on the floor with his cousins and Kate was at the table building a domino creation with Zayne.
As I looked around the room I was reminded that this is what really matters. I glanced back at the TV just when the Gorilla busted out of jail to tell his son he was proud of him. This was so heart warming, because in the previous seen they had a falling out and the dad sad, “How did I end up with a son like you.” So of course my heart melted when he busted out of jail to tell his son he was proud of him. Oh I am a sap for feel good movies, especially kids’ cartoon movies. As I soaked up the room full of kids and family, all entranced by the magic of fantasy, my mind began to wander. In a just a moment, a pile of movies flashed across my mind, movies that inspire people and it seems, most of them carry similar messages. Messages of dreaming, or taking a risk to follow their passion, or maybe it is trading fame and fortune for family and love. Just think about a few, Seabiscuit, Family Man, The Blind Side and the Field of Dreams, I go on and on. But my point is, people don’t make movies about how to stress out and love it! The moral is never, family has no magic, wealth and success are all I need. There are no blockbuster hits that end with that inspiring theme, “Don’t try… You will NEVER make it” Nope, we want to see the impossible, watch dreams be reached and watch families reunite. So tonight I am reminded that no matter the challenges around the next bend, it is these moments I want to focus on and soak up.
I know I am always writing about the magic… and quite honestly I hope I never stop. Life is magical. And even when it seems you have run out of pixie dust. There is nothing like a Disney movie and everyone piled on the couch to remind you that you have a spare bag of pixie dust in your other pocket. Granted sometimes I forget I have it there for days…ok maybe even weeks, but when I remember, I just gotta get it out.
“When did you stop writing?” my life coach asked me, sending my thoughts to canvas my brain, looking for clues as to why my stress level seems to be measuring up to Mount Everest these days. Writing has been a part of me for some time now. It has been an outlet and a way for me to share my heart and passion with my readers. But lately I have been telling myself I am too busy to write. Too busy to write? Seriously the “too busy” phrase is as popular as the Big Mac, and probably worse for you.
I remember about a week ago I pulled into my driveway, and as the garage door raised I thought to myself, ugh, I have to get the laundry done and cook dinner. As I let out a sigh of displeasure I asked myself, Do you remember when you moved into your first house as a newlywed, how excited you were to cook dinner for your handsome man? Do you remember when the first few onesies came through the laundry you were so excited to lay those miniature outfits, that smelled of new baby, in the dresser drawers. You weren’t simply doing a task that needed to be done; you were living life and loving it.
Life is moving at such a rapid pace and there are so many opportunities and expectations that, without us even realizing it, sometimes our magicalexperiences of life begin to grow a box next to them just waiting for the check mark. And that empty box serves as a black hole that steals our energy and swallows up the magic converting that “experience” into a “task” to be done. In that moment, when I watched the garage door rise, I realized I was putting so much pressure on myself to keep up with life, that my once magical experiences of wife and motherhood had grown those little empty boxes just waiting to be checked off. Somewhere in between kids in school, Josh being a senior, Zayne’s brain surgery, my job coaching, me as a wife and a mother, and oh yeah, I went back to school(more in a later story), but somewhere in the middle of all that, I forgot life is about the experience of it all, not the expectation of accomplishing it all. Who cares if I get it all done right or if life is completely upside down sometimes. So what if I have cleaned the same dirty socks and wiped the same counters and picked up the same kid’s junk…um, I mean prize possessions a million times. How exciting that I am living the life I wanted. And I want to soak up the magic, not check it off a list. And while I am at it, I might as well give myself a break. There is no list to accomplish…just life to live…so why take on the pressure. So here I am, putting homework on the backburner, and letting the laundry go just another day…. and enjoying some writing; reminding myself to let go of the list and soak up the magic of life.
Do you believe in Magic? I do. And if you don’t believe, just take a minute and listen to the laughter of a child… you will hear it. It’s magic. A child doesn’t look at life as a “To do” list. They see it as a “bucket list”. They find the littlest of things entertaining, funny and worth exploring. Last week on vacation Bo and Ayden spend a solid 45 minutes digging a hole in the sand… a hole. To them it was exciting and interesting. “Mom! Look! We reached water!” It was an amazing accomplishment.
So as the sun and warmth peek through to Michigan today, remind yourself to slow down, take a little of the pressure off yourself and remember to soak up life…look for the magic…it’s there, you just have to slow down enough to see it.
Well unfortunately our site is not working as far as photos go which I’m so bummed about 🙁
Zayne is doing AMAZING!!!! MRI was reviewed our surgeon in TX and he agrees that there is NO growth from the main tumor or the cyst!!! So the surgery was a success!!! There was one spot that showed up on the MRI that is a little more enhanced, so the docs will keep there eye on it. But no matter what the MRI says we believe Zayne is doing great!! He is back in school and loving it!!! He is working hard at learning Braille!! And is phenomenal at math!! We are very excited to see him back and involved with his friends 🙂
We do have a little bad news though. We have been going to therapy at ALIVE in Charlotte and have loved every minuet of it….but we have to move facilities for insurance reasons. I don’t think we will find ANYONE like Jody Heisler 🙁 She made therapy so special for Zayne. We were going there around Christmas time so she printed a letter from Santa to Zayne, postmarked the North Pole and all 🙂 She was always going above and beyond. She took time to create a personal relationship with him and just made it fun!! She has an amazing gift and we are beyond blessed to have been on the receiving end of it!! So come next week we will start at Comprehensive in Jackson. Fingers crossed we will fit right in.
He is still wearing a leg brace and will continue to until he is strong enough not to snap his knee. He is working very hard at trying to move that left hand. He can point his pointer finger out now (to bad I can’t show you a picture) He is such a hard worker. He gets frustrated easily but I think he knows he can do whatever he puts his mind to. He has been asking a lot of questions lately. “Why did I come out like this after this brain surgery? Did they mess up? How come I’m not normal? How long before I am normal Mom?” Crazy to hear that come out of my 6 Year olds mouth but we are doing our best to help him work through all the adjustments that are coming our way. Ayden is incredible with him!! We couldn’t be more pleased with how he has handled this whole thing. Truly growing up!!
As always thankyou for your support!!! We have been showed such kindness and always pay it forward when we can 🙂