“Write something inspiring Jamie.” I keep saying to myself. You see, I recently made a commitment (to a group helping me with my business) to write 2 blogs a week. Let’s just say I am a little behind. The first week I was feeling great! First of all, I was proud of myself for quitting caffeine, yup I did it (I’d explain why, but trying not to ramble). Of course I didn’t quit coffee all together, ha, what world would that be. I just switched to decaf. You may be wondering why I even bother drinking decaf. Um (said with my hands on hips), have you seen my coffee. It is a cup of perfection! Check it out… now you can see why I look forward to my “caffeine free coffee moments.”
Ahhhh, rambling again. Ok, Yeah, proud of myself, that’s what I was saying. AND, not only did I cut the caffeine, I put myself on a DIET! Not just any diet, but a “stress free” diet. I know it is popular to do a sugar free, carb free, meat free, or fat free diet, but that’s not what I am talking about, rather my main focus was to stop stressing out. I started realizing I had been BINGE STRESSING about being the perfect parent. I don’t know why, but large a tub of, shoulda, shouldn’t of’s , comparisons, and measurements (of course coming up short) seemed to be my “food” choice. But that week I cut it all out! No more shoulda no more shouldn’t ofs, ablsolutely no comparing myself to other parents and for gosh sakes I just broke that “mommy measuring stick” right in half!! The week was amazing. I pumped out a blog I felt pretty good about and I couldn’t believe how much extra energy I had!!
As with any diet, then came the struggles. The following week I didn’t seem to have the same spark. I would pull out my computer to blog, ya know, like I committed. Write something inspiring Jamie! I kept thinking to myself. Write something that is worth people’s time to read and will capture their interest. My days looked like this:
Step 1- Stare at computer.
Step 2-Jamie! Write something inspiring.
Step 3- Feel bad for not feeling inspired.
… And repeat.
Finally, I asked myself (hmmmm, I am seeing that talking to myself seems to be a regular occurrence), anyway, I asked myself, why aren’t you writing. And my aggravated voice answered back (all in one breath), “BEACUASE I don’t feel inspired, I feel crappy, I feel stressed, and can feel my anxiety surfacing this week, I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to be fixed, after I fix myself I will write something inspiring so I can help others fix themselves, because YES, I like helping others, but until I fix myself I just want to sit on my couch, stare at my computer and pout about how I can’t get my own shit together (eeech sorry, it seems my different voices have different ideas of manners), all I have to say right now is that I am struggling this week, and I dug through the trash, (I know, embarrassing) and found my tub of shoulda, shouldn’t of’s , comparisons, and gosh darn it, I duct taped that freakin’ measuring stick back together and found all the places I am not good enough, so there! (I am pretty sure this voice crossed her arms and stomped off after that rant.)
Keeping with the, just telling you what is on my heart theme, here is what I am struggling with, I have one kid out of the house and one kid about to graduate while my last two just started high school and middle school and I am feeling that time went faster than I expected. I want the best for them and I am wondering if I gave them everything I was supposed to give them as a parent. Oh and this having adult kids, like what the #!$#? Why can’t I still boss them around… I am really good at it! I just want to help. Oh and I know everything right… c’mon, I am their mother. Yet as the flow of life pries my grip off my children, literally one finger at a time, I am noticing that I am not enjoying it! Not like I want too anyway. I do have a more stable voice (as stable as one can be talking to themselves) that reminds me, Your kids are amazing! Take a breath and enjoy watching them problem solve. Enjoy watching them figure out life just like you did. Of course my not so stable voice quickly shouts what if, and will they be sad, and what if someone breaks their heart, what if they crash their car or get pneumonia! Oh gosh what if they get pneumonia and I am not there to put my cheek on their forehead, I mean we all know that act alone makes you feel better, I can still remember the feel of my mom’s cheek on my forehead. Oh gosh and what if they eat pizza every night (note to self, google what happens if you eat pizza every night. What if I didn’t encourage them enough, what if I didn’t challenge them enough. Should I have pushed them to do more or should I have insisted they do less. Maybe I shoulda packed more lunches for them, or maybe I packed their lunches to long (hmmm you quit packing their lunch in 3rd grade, probably not the latter). Seriously though, as much fun as I like to have as I write this blog, the raw truth is that the anxiety can be crippling. I wrote a blog awhile ago called A conversation with God, that metaphorically depicts what I feel. Only now I have an added voice telling me I should be better by now, I should have fixed it by now. I don’t share this with you to be negative or even look for someone to pick me up. I continue to pick myself up, brush off my knees and listen to that voice that says, “Go get ‘em girl. Love the crap out of your kids and love watching their own personal journey in life.” I am finding more clues to why my anxiety is hanging on that I will hopefully continue to share in future blogs. For now, one of those clues that I have found is my habit of binging on shoulda, shouldn’t of’s , comparisons and of course, that measuring stick. And as I write I am seeing, I need to start back on my diet. Limiting that tub of junk once again and focusing on accepting myself as perfectly imperfect. I am human and I need to let my kids be human too. This week I want to focus on that love and acceptance for myself. (Here is a good video on self-acceptance and self love) Because seriously if my kids learn nothing else from me, it is enough that they learn that loving and accepting yourself give us the ability to LOVE LEARNING in this life, and how great of a life that would be.
I wanted to share my true thoughts with you partially because it is good for me to be open about my humanity, but also to say to those struggling with the same stuff. You are not alone and it’s ok. It’s ok to have these feelings. Don’t lose hope! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, your heart will lead you to your own clues and you will continue to move forward. I invite you all to join me on my “diet” and let me know what you find. I am hoping to shed a few pounds of worry and self doubt! lol
As always, if you would, share this post or tag someone you know could really benefit from what I have to say.