“Mom….my head hurts.” Zayne said as I kissed his forehead goodnight. Fear gripped my heart so hard I had to mentally tell myself to breathe in. “A headache? Again? Show me where buddy.” He put his hand on the top of his head and said “All over here.” Exactly where they were before brain surgery. My brain hit mock 10. I couldn’t help but let my mind go back to rehab. I didn’t have to worry about anything there… cleaning, cooking, fixing lunches, catching up on bills. I had one goal. Get my kid walking. So that’s what I focused on. Not saying it wasn’t hard but less plates in the air. Now that we had been home for a small minute I found myself coming under the weight of all my responsibilities once again. And this…the headaches…I wasn’t prepared for them on top of everything else. Zayne’s anxiety level has been eye opening but I know with time and baby steps he will come out of it. When he gets frustrated playing legos because his left hand doesn’t work at all I know with time he will get used to it and hopefully with a lot of time it will get better and better. It’s all been an adjustment. Good days of feeling blessed that I have my boy mentally, and days of feeling so bad for him not being able to do what he is used to doing. UP and down…up and down. I can handle these waves. Headaches? Not so much. At first I just thought they were because he was fighting a cold. Now, 3 weeks later,I have to realize they might be something more. I gave him meds once again and put him to bed. I wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water. I started feeling the tension in my body. My neck and shoulders felt as if they had been soldered together. Life hit me full force the past few months. I was just exhausted. I was done. I could feel myself getting bitter. Bitter about how much my kid had to go through, wondering if we went through all this and are STILL going through all this for nothing. Why go through surgery, in-patient rehab, out-patient rehab to STILL have headaches. I found myself discussing this with God. And I wasn’t very happy. I find myself questioning what the point is. Everyone has their beliefs and I also have mine, but I hear my own voice in my head dripping with anger…..Why?
A friend of mine told me a long time ago to demand God show up. And I can’t help but wonder… does it help? If He has this almighty plan all laid out what good does it do if I beg and plead? So why do it? I do know there is something that happens when I begin to plead with God. My guard is let down. I become vulnerable. I become raw. And like it or not there is a transforming that takes place in that raw state. I cease to take control and by doing that I somehow accept. Accept what is and the role I play in it all. So there I was…trying to let go. Pleading….asking Him to show me that I truly heard Him and I didn’t make a huge mistake of going to TX. I’m tired of being here. I’m tired of being exhausted. I’m tired of trying to find a fix. I’m tired. I’m just tired. Show me what I’m fighting for. Show me there is a victory.
The next morning we went to church for the first time since surgery. It was wonderful getting all the hugs we did and just feeling all the people. My church has got to be one of the warmest churches I’ve ever attended. I found myself sitting in-between my boys listening to the worship and quietly singing these words “You give life, You give hope, you bring light to darkness, You restore every heart that is broken.” And the bitterness seeped into heart. I could feel it. And as quick as it comes I remind myself to focus on the joy and how blessed I am to simply KNOW and have a relationship with God. How blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me and are praying constantly for my family. How blessed I am that my son is right next to me and I didn’t have to say goodbye that day of surgery. I have NOTHING to complain about. And yet I find myself wanting to be passive aggressive with God and give him the cold shoulder. I feel if He would just communicate with me, be open with me I would feel better about our walk. Deep down I know I will never walk away from God, I know I don’t want to . But right now I feel hurt by Him. I feel like He’s asked me to be this mom without FULLY equipping me for it. And yet I almost don’t want to admit that I feel like this because my son is HERE. He is still Zayne. I can still LOVE him and HOLD him and WATCH him grow. This war rages within me and Im ashamed to admit it, wanting to ask grace from people who really know what goes on in my head but maybe….I’m the one I need grace from. God surely doesn’t care if I get mad at him and yell…it’s not like he didn’t make me this way….maybe it’s the fact that I’m letting myself down by having a weakness I don’t like. A weakness of not appreciating what I have and wishing things were different. I told my mom of the feelings I was having and how I felt like I was just throwing this pity party and if God would just answer my questions I might feel better and she simply said “Sweetie don’t forget that even when your kids are throwing a fit you have to wait for them to be DONE throwing the fit for them to HEAR you.”
I know I have asked alot throughout this journey and I am so thankful for all the support 🙂 We truly feel it, and I’m sorry if I sound selfish and ungrateful. We are truly blessed and we know that….please don’t misunderstand.