Day 3 Brain surgery-super Z

I heard the nurse walk into our room.   It was a little past 3am.   I looked over and saw my sister sleeping on the couch.  The nurse was grabbing vitals.  I was in the bed with Zayne hoping he didn’t wake up.  The headaches continued and they were worse than 3 years ago.  They came on so quick and were so intense.  But if I could keep him sleeping I knew they would stay away for a bit.  I tried to get my focus and looked over at Zayne.  His eyes were open and he just stared straight ahead.  He had been doing this since surgery and I was just waiting for these spells to go away.  They are spooky and messed with my mind and my strength.   “Zayne.”  I rubbed his arm waiting for him to respond.  “Zayner..can you look at mom?”  He stared straight ahead blinking every so often.   “ZAYNE.”  I called his name louder.  “Buddy answer me.”  I held back the tears and told myself to believe he IS ok. I lightly shook his little shoulders,  “Zayne…talk to mom.”  I said as I snapped my fingers in front of his face.  My stomach yelled at me with acid pain.  I knew it was nerves.  Jamie and I discussed how we had both been living off tums and needed to get more.   The nurse was watching me.  “Is this not normal for him?”  I looked at her through tears that I REFUSED to let fall and shook my head no.  “Ok…I don’t feel comfortable about that.  I’m gonna call the neuro on call and get them to take a look.”  The on call doctor came in by the time it was over and gave him the green light.  In the ICU he was doing it and they ordered an emergency CT and EEG.  Everything came back normal.  I was glad it did but it left lots of questions in our minds.   In all the ruckus my sister woke up and was watching everything that happened.  I looked over at her and when our eyes met the fear was real.  And the fear was strong.  I tried to refocus. Tried to close my eyes and not think about anything.   We fell back asleep for a little while.  I woke up to the nurse again but this time it was light out.  I looked over and saw the couch empty.  “Do you know where my sister went?”  She looked at me and said “Yea she told me to let you know she was getting some tums from the pharmacy.”  I looked over at my sleeping boy and carefully tried to crawl out of bed without waking him.  It was a rough night.  To many scary thoughts to think about.  I could my mind on the verge of something I’d never felt before.  I was starting to relate with people who just lose it.  Lose their mind for a little bit.  It’s like you are watching your insanity walk away from you and darkness wraps around you making you think there is no hope in the peace you seek.   My stomach was shooting with pain.  The pain started the first night after surgery and my mom was staying the night with me making me drink lots of fluids and putting a cold cloth on my head.  I loved the way she was taking care of me and just wished I could take care of my boy the same.   Reba walked through the door with Jake.  It was so refreshing seeing family.  Fresh from rest, ready to battle with me.  However, Reba’s face told me different and I immediately thought of my sister.  “Where’s Jamie?” I asked her quietly.  She wasn’t supposed to say but knew I needed to know.  I saw her struggle.  “What is going on?  Tell me.”  She told me to go out in to the lobby and prepared me that she was in rough shape.  Jake and I walked out while Reba sat with our sleeping Zayne.  I felt as though with every step I took my anger became greater.  Jamie and I have a way of pulling each other out of the trenches and  if I would have gotten to her sooner she probably wouldn’t be as bad as they described.  We walked out the double doors and saw my mom.  I approached with a wave of anger.  “Where is she?  And don’t lie to me.”  My moms face was so strong, yet so sad.  She was amazing actually.  She has seen me in so many colors and has always loved me through all of them.  And this time was no different.   “Where is she?”  She put her hand on my arm and said “she doesn’t want you to see her like this.  So be sensitive.”  I pressed my lips together firmly while thinking of what I was going to DO to my sister when I saw her.  “I’ll be nice mom…don’t worry.  Just let me talk to her, I can fix her.”  Mom pointed to a hallway and Jake and I walked over to it.  Jamie was on the floor leaning her head back against the wall, almost trying to calm her breathing down.  She looked like hell.  I felt awful.  I ran over to her wrapped her in a hug.  “You’re not supposed to be here, you’re not supposed to see me like this.”  Hearing what she was saying let me know my sister was still in there and the anger came back.  I pulled away from her and said very abrasively “JAMIE, get up.  Get up now. GET UP.”  I said as I pulled her away from the wall.  “Listen to me, you better snap out of this, so help me…”  I could feel sisterly love coming out.  “I can’t, I’m sorry I’m not here for you, I’m sorry.”  I breathed quicker trying to get her up with Jakes help.  “You’re gonna be sorry.”  She was barley opening her eyes.  “Don’t be mad Jessie, You can’t be mad at me.”  She was like a pile of goo.  When I couldn’t get her up I pushed her shoulder against the wall and lack of control I had was fueling me anger.  Jake held one side of her and was talking so sweetly.  “She’s not mad at you, your ok Jamie.  Your ok.”  As he gave me a look that told me to get a hold of myself.  I ignored his warnings and looked straight at her.  “JAMIE…” I tried making her look at me and then I got the notion that maybe with one good pop across the face might bring her back to reality. I pulled my hand back as I said her name again.  “JESS!”  Jake looked at me and grabbed my hand.  “What?  She’ll live.”  My husband was rolling his eyes as he pulled her to her feet.  “Ugh…” I growled thinking if everyone just let me deal with her she would be fine.  We walked her down the hallway to a room with a bed for people needing to get good sleep at the hospital.  He sat her down gently on the bed and I, not so gently, took off her shoes.  I began stuffing her pillow into a fresh pillow case.  She sat there watching me as if she was drugged.  “You’re mad.”  I huffed “Of course I’m mad.  Now shut your trap and get in bed and DO NOT get out of bed until I tell you to.  Do you understand what I’m saying to you?”  She looked at me and then looked over at mom.  “Mom….she’s so mean.”  She whispered as if I couldn’t hear her.  I rolled my eyes, looked at mom and said “Do you have this?”  Mom so patiently looked at me and smiled to sweetly knowing the relationship Jamie and I have.  “Yes honey, I got this.  I won’t leave until she’s sleeping.”  She winked at me and I hugged her.  “Thanks Mom.”  I don’t know if she felt everything I meant in those 2 words but it felt good saying it.  Jake and I went down to the cafeteria.  He was so confused as to why Jamie was a mess and I began telling him of the spells Zayne had throughout the night.  His face showed lines of worry.  We saw Dad at the cafeteria as well.  I couldn’t really eat anything so I told Jake I was gonna go outside for some fresh air.  So he stayed with my dad.  As I walked out of the hospital doors into the hot Texas sunshine I felt everything from the night, everything from my sister, and everything …EVERYTHING I had to carry with my son, and I broke.  I hit the ground sobbing.  And began talking to God like I do.  You told me you would be here.  SHOW UP.  I can’t do this on my own.  I’m gonna lose it, I’m gonna lose it.  I feel like there aren’t enough of us, I need help, I need support.  Don’t take my son away.  We made a deal before surgery, if he wasn’t going to be Zayne inside there then just take, if this is who he is now….if things are just going to go downhill….Don’t take my son away.  Please.  Please…..I don’t know what to say….I don’t know how his story plays out but I’ll handle anything I have to as long as he is still my Zayne.  My fun, spirited, sweet, loving little boy.  Please….Please.  The song ‘Angel Armies’ Popped in my head.  And I immediately realized it was Sunday.  My whole church was gathered together.  My body got chills as I began calling all of my friends…no one picked up but Fran called me back within seconds.  I picked up my phone  “Fran….Fran…”  “Yes I’m here.”  I was crying so hard people walked by staring at me.  “Are you still at church?”  I held my breath hoping she would say what I wanted to hear.  “Yes”  My heart got a zing.  “Please, Please go to Pastor Shane, stop the service and pray for my son right now.  We need prayer right now, right now….Please Fran Please… “  I was sobbing at this point but still drawing so much strength from the fact that I got through to someone.  It was like in a movie that seemed hopeless and then a second, fresh army shows up for battle in the time that the good guys were about to lose.  And with that army comes a new wind of hope.  Hope that we will prevail.  “Yes….YES I WILL!”  If I know anything about Fran it’s that she is not afraid to make a scene and interrupt legalities when God moves.  I know my message was in good hands.  And I could almost feel my sanity come back.  I texted some other family members as well.  Some in Texas, Ohio, Tennessee and all over Michigan.  After about 5 min I received texts from my friends at my church with picture of the whole congregation up at the front for my boy.  I felt breath come into my lungs knowing he was so covered.  Toward the end of the hour I heard that over 15 churches stopped service and raised my boy up.  Tears fell from my face at that act of GOD.  I needed it and drew so much strength.  I could feel everyone standing in the gap for my family.  We were to tired to fight….but when we realized we didn’t fight alone…we got our second wind.  And that was the beginning of good days ahead.