And then I was weak…

(We have a couple more blogs of flashback to get caught up on. Zaynes Rehab updates and videos will be posted Saturday.  Hang tight, he is doing good, improving every day.  Keep the prayers coming. Thanks so much for all your support)

 

We left the ICU and as we headed to the other wing of the floor, I couldn’t help but feel my heart sink as we passed the room we were in just a year and a half ago, the very room my Jess and I wrote the magical blog of our great news!  That was when the doctor was surprised at how much of that tumor he removed.  I can still hear his words echo through the halls.  “I may not see you guys for many years if ever again, this is exciting.”  The memory, so vivid, had a sting to it as I rounded the corner to the room Zayne was in this time.

Take a breath Jamie. Stay present.  We will get through this too.  I shoved back the tears, lifted my chin, and went to see the boy.  I did not have time for disappointment or the exhaustion that kept knocking at my door.

That night, when Zayne fell asleep, my sister and I sat in our jammies, on the little couch in the room giggling with each other, grasping a moment that felt normal.  Sure we shoulda been sleeping.  But both our nerves were shot.   One of our giggles must have woke the kid, because his cute little troll voice, with a lisp, said, “Mom, I am so thirsty.”  Jess, grabbed the water and made small talk with Zayne.  And after about 15 minutes Zayne slipped into one of his Zone out moments.  He had been doing this since ICU and it was a bit concerning because no one could seem to explain it.  He would just stare at you.

“Zayne, Zayne.” Jess said with a snap of her fingers trying to get a response.  And then moments later he would come back.  His nurse couldn’t explain it, so she called for a neuro consult.  It was quite unnerving when no one could say…”Oh yeah, this happens after brain surgery, or yes this is a side effect of morphine.”  Time passed, neuro came in and said he looked good at the moment, but they would run further tests tomorrow.  He attributed it to Zayne’s lack of sleep.

Finally, Jess and I drifted off and gained a couple hours of rest, I awoke to the snap of Jess’ fingers. “Zayne, Zayne.  Honey why aren’t you answering me?”  I sat up, my stomach churned, there weren’t enough Tums in the hospital to settle my stomach these days.  I told jess I was headed to find more tums, and I left the room.  I could feel my walls caving in.  Stay strong Jamie.  I pleaded with myself.  Your sister doesn’t need to hold you up, you have to hold her up.  Over the years, my sister and I have taken turns holding the other up.  When I crumbled during my parents divorce, she was right by me. And  I had managed to be kick butt strong for the past 3 years with Zaynes health, so seriously, Jamie, get it together! I scolded myself once more.   As I walked by the nurses station with tears rolling down my face I could feel fear rush in like a gust of wind just came busting through the hall way doors.  It swirled like a tornado around my body.  I was sure the hallway was shrinking.  “Are you ok.” Said a voice seeming so in the distance.  “I’m not cut out for this, I’m not cut out for this.”  I muttered. My back it the wall and to the floor I slid.  In a heap I just cried.  The fear was so strong it took my breath away and insanity was seeping in through the crevasses of my weakness.  For a moment, I really thought they might take me to psych.  It wasn’t pretty.

The nurses escorted me to a little room with a couch.  “Please don’t tell my sister, I don’t want her to worry.  Just tell her I went downstairs for Tums.”  I pleaded with the nurse.  She assured me she wouldn’t tell, and that she just checked on her and both of them fell back to sleep.  I called Michael, never mind it was 4:30 in the morning.  I cried and I talked, and cried some more.  “I can feel the crazy coming babe.  I feel so weak this time.” He settled me down, like he always does, he is my rock, and after I hung up from him I pulled up my playlist and played a few songs.  It was in this moment, I asked my angel to show up,(in a previous blog).  Once I calmed I went back to the room to sleep.  I selected a song on my playlist, and  “Not over yet” by king and country began to play.  That’s weird I thought.  That wasn’t what I chose.  As I looked at my playlist to see if “not over yet” was above or below the song I chose, and it was nowhere near it, it wasn’t even on the screen, available for me to bump.  I smiled and knew God was sending me encouragement.

After just nodding off, I awoke to the sound of Jess snapping her fingers again.  “Zayne, Zayne.  Answer me honey.  Are you in pain?  Do you need a drink?  ZAYNE!  Answer me”.She said with volume and urgency.  And just like that, my calm had vanished, a CRAZY came with a VENGENCE.

I headed down the halls to the double doors, hoping my mom and Reba would be here soon.  As the double doors at the end of the hall opened I saw them checking in at the waiting room desk.  It was all I could do to make it the last 10 steps, and in the floor I went.  Reba just laid her whole body over me as I sobbed.  Her tight hold was calming, but I couldn’t stop uttering, I am so weak.  I am so weak.  I am just so weak.  I don’t know if I can carry this.  In that moment, my mustard seed was gone.  As a kid, I used to cry and hang my head over a trash can nauseous, because Jess screamed whenever we got our shots.  Seriously, at 6 I could not handle watching her in pain. My fears had begun racing into the future.  I kept seeing Zayne in a bed, just staring at us.  No giggles, no hugs, nothing!  And as the fear raged, reality kept dimming.  In that moment my strength was gone, and I felt weak.