Will I be strong enough for her… (Super Z Stories)

“Mom.”  I heard Kate’s voice and immediately I knew why she was calling.  “Are you coming to get me?”

In my rush to get Bo to his scrimmage in Eaton Rapids, I forgot to pick her up when I dropped off Josh and Timmy to their practices at the school tonight.  And I thought I was on top of things because I actually had dinner done before 5pm tonight.  I sunk in my chair at Bo’s scrimmage and wondered to myself how I was going to pull off the next 2 weeks.  My college classes were starting(yeah, a story for another blog), my coaching was going well, brain surgery is scheduled for next week, and oh yeah, I have FOUR kids who apparently have places to go and people to see.

Last brain surgery I felt so strong for Jess.  If I even heard her voice over my phone, “hey Jame…”, I was already in my car on my way.  These days I find myself staring at all the plates I have spinning in the air and I can’t help wonder which will come crashing down first, apparently it was the “pick your daughter up from practice plate.”  But which one would be next.

And then I go and do the unthinkable… read my sisters blog post.  Why would I do that to myself.

So I take tonight to fall apart, I take tonight to wonder, “Will I be able to be enough for her this time around?”  “Will my kids know that despite how many times they are left at the school, they are a priority?”  “Will my kids understand that my lack of patience with them this week is due to the pressure on my shoulders right now, but that I love them more than the very air I breathe?”

I take this moment to feel weak, and tired and quite honestly a bit like a whiner.  I take this moment, in this lull before battle to cry and ask why.  I take this moment to challenge my faith, really put it to the test so that when tomorrow comes it’s stronger.  Tonight I cry, but when tomorrow comes I will lift my eyes to the sun, spread my wings and allow my creator to fill me with his strength and peace, for in a few days we will go to battle with the angles by our sides and I will stand by her. No matter what… because that is what we do.

Throughout our lives my sister and I have taken turns standing and strengthening the other.   And although I feel weak tonight, I accept that, because I know it will be just for a moment.