Super Z blog

I quietly slid in his bed and snuggled up beside him.  Thoughts that day had been rough and I felt like as hard as I fought my thoughts were to strong and I came out of the ring pretty banged up.  My body was exhausted.  But I laid next to him and just took him in.  In the soft light I saw the silhouette of his perfect lips.  I have kissed those soft lips so many times.  His hands lay across his chest.  Those sweet little hands that have handed me dandelions, and other assorted weeds.  His eyes softly closed.  I just laid there and felt him.  Felt his presence.  I took in what it felt like to hear him breathe and to feel his little spirit even while he sleeps.  He is so creative.  So vibrant.  He is such a mix of bright colors.  I can’t imagine not seeing those colors.  Lord, tell me we are doing the right thing.  Tell me we are supposed to take all the risks and open him up once again.  Tell me he’s gonna make it out. Tell me I’ll get to lay beside him after surgery and watch his chest fill with breath.  Tell me he will come out and still be able to see me, talk to me, and be who I know he is.  I couldn’t help but imagine what the doctor’s face would look like if he had to tell me they did everything they could but just couldn’t revive him.  The emotion was so strong I felt like it was hard to breathe.  I felt like my lungs had quit working and to take a breath was like trying to breathe under water.  I shook the thought away and reached my hand out to touch him.  He was warm.  I scooted closer and put my nose against his.  I almost can’t describe that feeling.  As a parent there is an un-explainable love we have for our children.  It’s mind blowing, this love.  And in moments like these when you realize you have no control of an outcome if you don’t let go they become unbearable.  As I lay so close to my sweet baby boy, my whole being begged God to keep him safe.  He has so much life to explore, he has so much to do yet.  I breathed in the smell of him and slid my arm under his head and pulled him close.  I softly kissed his cheek and a tear rolled off mine onto his.  He woke up slightly and took a long breath in.  He mumbled something as he pulled away from me and wrapped the blankets around himself.  I put my head on his pillow and stared up at the ceiling fan.   As I felt my body drifting to sleep I prayed I wouldn’t enter the ring again with my thoughts.  I just wanted to sleep…to rest…and to just be… right here next to my beautiful boy.