Super Z update 2-4-16

I love hearing of all the super Z prayer warriors! When I hear how far our story has stretched it makes me feel like I have the world behind us! I walked into a salon the other day and I recognized a girl there…through talking I found out she follows my son’s story. It’s really crazy when I run into people that see my Z-shirt and say “Hey I know that kid….do you know how he’s doing?” Not even realizing I am the Mom 😀 Cracks me up and makes me smile that people ask about this blonde haired little boy!!
Life has been full of ups and downs this past month. I wish I could say I was strong all the time but the truth is my strength comes in waves. Some mornings while driving my kids in to school we have such heartfelt conversations; I feel like I could walk both my boys through anything and other days I wonder why God chose me to hold their hands through this journey of life. But at the end of the day I can wonder why I am so weak or I can step up and KNOW I have everything I need to walk this road. While I was informing Zayne’s teacher of what needed to be watched out for concerning his recent seizure she said something that comes into my mind often. “You know, I don’t worry so much about Zayne…that kid will teach us all something. It’s you who I worry about. Zayne will push through, but you? You take the hit harder than he does.” And while agreeing with her in the moment I left that day pondering what she said. That kid will teach us all. And she’s right. When I look at his infectious personality I am happy he is such a brut. I’m happy he gets mad and pushes through. He has to be that way. I started thinking about an email that Dave Pratt (Springport Wrestling coach) sent me after hearing the news of the 3rd tumor in TX. I texted him the news and he must have heard the defeat in my voice. Heading back to my in-laws that day I kept wondering when it stops. When does the GOOD news come again? And I started feeling like I was giving up. Why do I keep hoping when there seems to be an even lower rock bottom? Why set myself up for that failure? It seemed easier to expect bad news and then I would be ready for it and not thrown of kilter every time I went down there. I remember sitting on the porch at my in-laws trying to feel the sun soak into my gray exterior. I just happened to open my email. As I read Dave’s email I could feel him picking me up and dusting me off. He reminded me what type of person I am. I won’t quote all of it but just a couple lines that hit me. “You want strength, then find it in places you need to, go get it, because at the end of the day Jessica you don’t have a choice BUT to be strong. Z depends on you to be strong and you are the lynch pin that holds everything together……You ask for Faith. I have faith in you. I have faith in Zayne, Jake and Ayden. I have faith in all of us that we are strong together. I’m not letting you fight alone, not how I was made and I don’t feel you were either. We are finishers. People that kick ass and take names.” I read that and heard the inspirational music play in my head. He was right, and that was just the gut punch I needed to pull myself up out of the dark hole I had rendered myself too. I remembered… this wasn’t about me…I may play a part but I wasn’t playing my role right. And then I remembered what my role is. It’s not a quitter…I DON’T QUIT. I fight. I fight for hope that is ALWAYS there. And after reading his words… I felt it. Throughout the evening it would come and go but the mere fact there was a spark of it…I knew I could conquer my demons.
Later that same day I got a call from my life coach. He heard the news and was checking in on me. He said “God chose you to be Zayne’s Mom.” I held the phone to my ear and felt the emotion catch in my throat. The question why whizzed through my head. “He knew how amazing you would be at it.” He said almost in response to my thoughts of doubt. “You didn’t get this far by sitting back and watching. You pushed until Zayne got the help he needed. You may not remember the beginning of this journey but I do. And you wouldn’t stop at one doctor telling you that his headaches were childhood migraines…You kept pushing and fighting until you found the answer. And then after getting that answer you kept pushing until you found a solution. You make good decisions Jess, you have good discernment. You were created to do exactly what you are doing. God loves you Jess, He sees you, He sees Zayne…He loves you kiddo.” Getting off the phone I had a feeling that was hard to describe. A gust of passion all wrapped up in grief and guilt. I felt for the first time in a while I could do this. So it’s chemo. I can do it. I will do it. I am his mom. And God DID choose me. He chose to give me the gift of being able to watch these two adorable boys make their way through life. Whatever this life may bring I get the opportunity to laugh, cry, snuggle, and enjoy every moment with them.
And Yeah I still have some pretty dark days…not gonna lie…think I’ve scared myself a couple times with the thoughts in my head but on those days I remember what Kerry Werch told me at the beginning of all this…she said “You DEMAND God show up.” I remember feeling the power in her words but wondering if I could really DEMAND the almighty, the one who created me, created all of us, show up. Was that legal?? And on the days darkness is the only thing in front of me, I muster up some of that grit I found and I bang on the floor and scream for God to show up. Give me a sign, a song, someone praying for us, anything that’s tangible. And He does.
So tomorrow we start his chemo. We are going to try an oral pill. It’s pretty big so we have been prepping him by swallowing Mike and Ike’s 😀 He thinks he’s bad stuff!! He will take pills for 5 days in a row and be off for the rest of the month. I don’t know what any of it will look like. Our hope is he continues school!! Continues doing and being able to do what he loves!! The good news is, is he’s a fighter. Comes from a line of them on both sides of the family. He has a brother that is constantly supporting him and never lets him forget about brotherly beatings  My dad used to say I was meaner than a junk yard dog…and I’m realizing how thankful I am for that. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t survive watching my boy go through what he has had to. As it is a good thing Zayne is such a stinker…keeps him strong and barreling through!!
As always everyone’s support has meant the world. I don’t know how to put it…but we feel it. As a family knowing people are praying and believing with us… is everything!!