As I post this next blog, I just wanted to say, there are times Jess and I hesitate to post our raw emotions. Sometimes things get pretty dismal and you may hear things you don’t agree with. We only hope our willingness to be open helps others who have felt those same feelings know they are not alone and its ok. It’s ok to be mad, discouraged, and even depressed at times. Sometimes life knocks our feet right out from underneath us, and it hurts, and we get angry or sad and we cry! But then, we brush ourselves off and get up….and take our next leap of faith. So those of you following, just hold on when it gets bumpy. 🙂 Ok…on to my story for tonight….
“We aren’t supposed to understand.” Deans words keep echoing in my mind. As I cried last night with my team I uttered the words, “I don’t understand” And with such sorrow for me, yet such strength in his faith, he said,”We aren’t meant to understand.”
(Dean, he has trained me, and over the years has been not only my mentor, but my friend and my brother.)
Strangely enough these words comforted me in that moment. But why—why would that be such a powerful statement to me. Logically it certainly didn’t seem like it would.
I believe it is because it drew out my Faith. Our human mind tries to make sense of this world we live in. We work to right wrongs. Save the lost. We work to protect those we love. We work to be ok. The problem is, this leaves us trying to fix and make sense of things we just can’t explain. Which either leaves us spinning our wheels or blaming a power higher than ourselves.
But if I can have Faith even when I don’t understand. And if I allow it to be ok that I don’t understand. Then comes a tiny piece of hope that my Faith just might get me through this. And by tiny…I mean a mustard seed. But that is all he said it would take.
Now I am not telling you how to live your faith. I am simply sharing my journey and how I make my way through this painful mess and heartbreaks I don’t understand. I remember years ago when my parents divorced and even as a adult I didn’t understand why this was happening to my family, Bo Stafford,(like a dad to me) said,
“Jamie, you will make it through this and when you come out on the other side you will have learned so much through this trial.”
My response as not so grateful….”Well, I don’t want to grow! I don’t want to learn! And I don’t want my Faith to be stronger! I just want things to go back to the way they were!”
The problem was, as long as I was kicking and screaming about how I wanted life to be different, I was in turmoil. As long as I was working to make send out of something that didn’t make sense I experienced anxiety.
But the moment I let go and accept that I’m not meant understand, there is a small glimmer of relief. Just enough relief to remind me to hang on to my faith. Because without it. I can’t bear this pain anymore. Because at the end of the day when insanity tries to grip my mind, I remember I can’t lose myself to this pain. I have 4 babies of my own that depend on me to be present. I may cry…but I need to be present and have faith. And I have a sister who needs me to grasp a little faith so she can hang on to me when she can’t find her own as she faces this heart ache as a MOM.
Throughout our years of sister hood, we have each taken turns to be the rock for the other. Although there have been a few times in our lives, we have felt that we have gone to Hell and back, we know God has never left our side.
I heard this song on the radio the other day which reminded me so much of my sister and I, so I thought I would share it with you.