Happy Birthday Zayne!!!

I just wanted to write to my beautiful baby boy and tell him how happy I am that God chose us to look after him. I can remember the day so vividly when I found out I was pregnant. I had gone to the Redi Care at 8 pm because I was sure the pain I was in was from a bladder infection. So there I found myself peeing on a stick just hoping it was positive so I could at least get meds and start feeling better. And sure enough it was positive. The nurse came in and asked me if I was pregnant because the meds they would put me on could affect an unborn child. “Oh gosh no” I said laughing at the absurdity. “Well…geez… I don’t know.” My heart raced as I sat there thinking how I was not on birth control but we did protect almost ALL the time. “I hope not.” I said leaving my mouth gaping open in shock, almost putting myself in the mindset of being pregnant. “Do you mind if we test the urine sample you just gave us?” “Yea….I don’t care.” She walked out and I sat dumbfounded praying a small prayer for it to be negative. Jake and I already had a 1 year old at home and he had colic for the first 2 months of his life and still wasn’t sleeping through the night at 10 months old. All I could think about was how exhausted I was and how broke we were. How on earth would we afford another one? How could I possibly LOVE another one? I have so much love for my first one I feel like I have no more left for asecond. What would happen to Ayden’s and my relationship? How could I possibly give up snuggle time, play time, and everything I devout to one baby and split it into two? No…there’s no way. It’s negative….God know’s I can’t handle that. Just as I was convincing myself that God’s plan is best the nurse came back in. “So we tested it..and it’s positive. You are in fact pregnant.” My mouth dropped. “Oh.” Not wanting to look like a horrible mother I sprang out of my seat crying, hopefully what she thought were happy tears, all the while inside I was sobbing lecturing God about being on vacation and letting this happen. I cried the whole way home. I couldn’t get a hold of Jake on the phone so I called my sister. She laughed. I cried. She laughed some more and I cried a little harder. I got home and found Jake sitting on the couch. He had just put Ayden to bed. He looked up at me. I stood there…well I more like sulked there. My shoulders were low and mascara was everywhere. “What is the matter?” He asked in total confusion of the state I was in. “I’m pregnant.” I cried the words out. “Awwww….” He said while I made my way into his lap. I buried my head and cried some more. “And this is bad?” He said confused again. I sobbed and told him of my concerns and of course he calmed me down and told me everything would work out. It always does. After I became excited about the news I went to work searching for a name. I wanted something different. Something strong. And when I stumbled upon Zayne I read the meaning. “God is Gracious” I told Jake and we were both pretty set on that name. And boy was he strong. He came out at 9’3lbs and 22.5 in. He looked like a beast  But gosh he was such a good baby. And being fat and adorable was just his MO. Then he sprouted a head full of white curls…just beautiful.

Zayne,

Mom and Dad could not be more proud of you!

You have taught us so much about being brave and truly facing adversity!

You don’t just LIVE you CONQUER.

Love You baby boy!!

Looking back on his 5 years of being with us I am just beyond thankful. God truly does know what we can handle and He must have known that our little family needed this fat bundle of joy. Now days I wonder about his judgment … ;)- But even in all the hell of watching my son go through something no child should have to I am so glad God chose us! Both of my boys are the air that I breathe, they are my world!! And we are beyond blessed!!