Sifting through paperwork of MRI’s, Reports, Medical Ins. I sit here and read things like “Cystic Mass…Enhancing tumor…Solid lesion” and I can’t help but wish it away. I sit here and want to rip up the papers and scream at God to make my life normal. Why couldn’t he just be a normal little boy who snuggled with mom when he gets a fever? Or a normal boy I can send to school and not have to worry about what he can and cannot see. Why does everything have to be so….I searched for a word that could wrap me up. And all I came up with was…heavy. I did….I do…I feel heavy. Burdened. Struggling to deal with the weight of it and then mad at coming up short at the end of the day. Life IS normal right now. Why are you complaining? You kid is living a NORMAL life. He is laughing, playing, running around, enjoying summer. You could be stuck in a hospital. He could have some disease that he only has months to live and here you are complaining because of what….because of what? Because…. My mind trailed off, almost as if it was trying to defend itself. Because of this upcoming MRI. What happens when the doctor looks at me and says “I’m so sorry but his eye sight is worse and you need to start chemo right away”. What will I do? What can I do? Nothing. Or what happens when they tell me the cyst is to large and they want to do surgery again and this time place a port in his brain that could move out of place or become infected. What will I do? What can I do? Nothing. This is why I’m stressing. Even as I sit here and look at those options on paper I still can’t help but get onto myself and be so blessed and thankful. No matter what the outcome is in September God has brought my family this far. He has protected my boy and He still speaks to me. And I still have my son. He is still here. I can still touch him. And for that I’m thankful.