In the ring…

Why? That is a question I find myself asking these days. From the death of a young mother, to chronic pain, to brain tumors and everything else we know some of us are facing. Why? It is when I can’t find this answer I find myself putting my boxing gloves on, stepping into the ring and saying…”Ok God, you and me…Let’s go” I don’t mean any disrespect with my candor, I surely hope I am not offending anyone in this moment, but I believe the God I serve can take a punch and love me through it. This is not the first time in my life I have stepped into that boxing ring and said why? Sixteen years ago my heart hurt so bad I could feel it physically ache in my chest. And God and I had words then, and yet I know he still loves me.

So here am in that ring again. Tears and sweat pouring down my cheeks. “WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!” I scream. “WHAT EVEN IS YOUR PLAN!!! I sure hope it gets better. I mean what are you thinking.” I punch and punch and punch in a rage, tears clouding my eyes as if I was under water.  I just blinding swing as I heavily pace the ring.

Still no answers.

I punch and punch and soon my arms are like noodles, but I throw them with all my might until I finally  can’t throw them anymore. I collapse to my knees, and beat the floor with my fist, until I am lying face first in a puddle of my own tears.  My clothes are drenched with sweat.  I can feel my shirt stick to my body.  The floor is cold agains my knees and shins, but my feet radiate heat in my tennis shoes.  I can feel the warmth of my breath as I pant into the floor.   And that’s when I feel Him. I don’t fully accept his embrace, because, yes, I am still too mad at Him. I give him a bit of the colder shoulder, yet He doesn’t leave. Finally, I have nothing left. I have no more energy to punch, no more energy to cry even one more tear. I roll over lying on my back with my eyes squeezed tightly shut. I use one last burst of energy to fling my arms out to my side, palms face up. “I don’t understand, but if I don’t believe You know what You are doing…I have nothing…So all I can say is I will trust a little longer.”

Something happens in that surrender. I still don’t have all the answers, but I realize I have just enough strength to take one more step.