The guilt. I feel it following me. I hear it whisper. My mind runs. Did I do enough? Could I have done more? I change my thoughts. Time continues and guilt starts creeping in again. It’s heavy weight wraps around me. This time I can’t shake it. I sulk at the extra baggage. How did I let this happen? It’s right. I should feel guilty. I should have known. I should have loved him better. I should have rocked him more. The weight increases and I find myself behind the screen watching old videos of him. He runs around the yard. Curls bouncing. Excitement in his face. Carefree. Happy.
Why didn’t you get it checked out when he was younger? You should have fought harder. I watch the screen as he climbs onto the swing with me. It was summer and the sun was setting. Ayden was playing in the kitty pool yelling “Watch me mom!!! Watch!!!” Zayne looks up at me with water droplets on his face, and gives me such a sweet smile. Behind the screen I cry. Guilt begins to constrict my heart and my lungs. I can’t breathe. He was so young. Did I hug him enough? Did I tell him I loved him enough? Did he know I would have taken it away if I could of. Does he know I hurt for him. He was so little. Behind the screen I realize he was only 3 short months away from the insomnia starting. And then only another couple months away from the headaches. And then only 4 months away from a diagnosis of a brain tumor. He was 3. He was so young. Guilt stretches it’s hands up to my throat. I scroll through more pictures. My beautiful boys. Did I do enough with them? Did I slow down enough? Did I stop cleaning long enough? Did I stop worrying about how many healthy snacks and balanced meals they got? Did I snuggle enough even though I was tired from the day? The guilt becomes overwhelming. Slowly as I lift up my head hoping to escape the engulfing guilt, words of hope reach down a hand. “I Am Your future, So leave Your past behind…I AM THE I AM.” I reach up barley able to touch the freedom I see. I feel the light coming from it. It feels like the sun. It slowly makes its way down my arm and over my head. I take a breath in. I Am Your future. The words wisped about my body, enticing the guilt to vanish. I Am the I AM. Leave your past behind. I find myself able to grasp the hand before me. And as I do the light crashes over me and the weight is lifted…for now.