“Babe?” Jake said on the other end of the phone. I had been waiting for his call all morning. He headed into work Monday morning and we were both a little anxious because St. Jude was going to contact him. “Yea….what did they say?” “Well…(sigh) They have 3 trials going on for gliomic tumors. The first two we don’t qualify for because they need tissue samples. And the 3rd one is full at this point.” My heart sank. What now? What are we gonna do? The headaches…no….Lord please….I can’t watch him go through that again. We have to stop it from growing before he starts crying from Migraines again. This isn’t fair. Why aren’t you just making it go away? I’M DONE. NO MORE.
“Baby?” I came back to Jakes voice. “Yea?” “This doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road at St. Jude. She said she would keep looking.” The silence hung in the air. My heart squeezed in my chest. “Well…did you tell them about his headaches?? Did you tell them they are getting bad again and if we don’t get on it…” Jake cut me off “Yes babe…I did…Trust me I have said everything…Now we just wait and see what they say. And we can see what DeVoss says on Wednesday.” In my mind Wednesday was too far away. I wasn’t made for waiting. I didn’t want to wait.
I hung up the phone with Jake and just sat there. I felt the need to run, then I felt I had no energy. I wanted to go outside and scream but I knew it wouldn’t help. I sat there staring…into nothing…at nothing. “Mommy?” I looked down at Zayne who came up to me. His frizzy hair from the night before. His eyes were a little swollen and he just looked sad. “Can I go watch a show?” He put his head in my lap. “Yea….are you ok?” “No my head hurts.” He responded. My heart again. “Ok baby…let’s get you some medicine and go watch Jake and the pirates” I said trying to sound excited.
Later that night I was trying to go to sleep and my mind wouldn’t stop. Nothing stopped. To many why’s. I feel as though God just isn’t telling me the next step. Or maybe I had too many expectations on the fact I would have a plan by Monday. Well Monday has come and gone and still no plan. NO PLAN. What am I supposed to tell my boy? Both my boys? Myself? What are we doing right now to fight against this tumor…WAITING. WHAT?!?!?! Waiting??? That’s your big plan GOD…..WAITING???
So I really have no news for any of you reading this. We meet with Zaynes chemo Doctor on Wed afternoon. I will try and fill everyone in by then. But ‘til then we are just….waiting. Surviving. Breathing. Waiting.