“Babe?” Jake said on the other end of the phone. I had been waiting for his call all morning. He headed into work Monday morning and we were both a little anxious because St. Jude was going to contact him. “Yea….what did they say?” “Well…(sigh) They have 3 trials going on for gliomic tumors. The first two we don’t qualify for because they need tissue samples. And the 3rd one is full at this point.” My heart sank. What now? What are we gonna do? The headaches…no….Lord please….I can’t watch him go through that again. We have to stop it from growing before he starts crying from Migraines again. This isn’t fair. Why aren’t you just making it go away? I’M DONE. NO MORE.
“Baby?” I came back to Jakes voice. “Yea?” “This doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road at St. Jude. She said she would keep looking.” The silence hung in the air. My heart squeezed in my chest. “Well…did you tell them about his headaches?? Did you tell them they are getting bad again and if we don’t get on it…” Jake cut me off “Yes babe…I did…Trust me I have said everything…Now we just wait and see what they say. And we can see what DeVoss says on Wednesday.” In my mind Wednesday was too far away. I wasn’t made for waiting. I didn’t want to wait.
I hung up the phone with Jake and just sat there. I felt the need to run, then I felt I had no energy. I wanted to go outside and scream but I knew it wouldn’t help. I sat there staring…into nothing…at nothing. “Mommy?” I looked down at Zayne who came up to me. His frizzy hair from the night before. His eyes were a little swollen and he just looked sad. “Can I go watch a show?” He put his head in my lap. “Yea….are you ok?” “No my head hurts.” He responded. My heart again. “Ok baby…let’s get you some medicine and go watch Jake and the pirates” I said trying to sound excited.
Later that night I was trying to go to sleep and my mind wouldn’t stop. Nothing stopped. To many why’s. I feel as though God just isn’t telling me the next step. Or maybe I had too many expectations on the fact I would have a plan by Monday. Well Monday has come and gone and still no plan. NO PLAN. What am I supposed to tell my boy? Both my boys? Myself? What are we doing right now to fight against this tumor…WAITING. WHAT?!?!?! Waiting??? That’s your big plan GOD…..WAITING???
So I really have no news for any of you reading this. We meet with Zaynes chemo Doctor on Wed afternoon. I will try and fill everyone in by then. But ‘til then we are just….waiting. Surviving. Breathing. Waiting.
Jacki Staudacher
Words escape me right now, which is unusual for me. I’m sure you have heard everything regarding faith and trust, and God’s purpose. My thoughts are with you. I can not imagine going through this and trying to be strong for a child… But our God is an awesome and powerful God. His strength is so prevalent in our weaknesses. Let him take your waiting, your weakness, anxieties, tired mind and body, and fill you with his love. May his peace sustain and keep you and your family. Love, Jacki
Heather
I can’t say I totally understand YOUR situation, but I have been in close proximity to those moments many times. There is such a heaviness that can come from waiting for the next step & not having the ability to prepare for it. It’s totally blind faith and it is achingly hard. I wish you PEACE. Peace that takes tht waiting and heaviness & just soothes the soul. It’s not an easy thing to find, but I pray it for you.
Jamie Lightner
“Achingly hard” yes those words express it perfectly. Thanks for your comment, we love hearing from everyone.
joanna
Hi Jessica, I am a friend of Carrie Downing in Texas. We have been praying for you and your sweet Zayne on Wednesdays for a while now. When I read your blog today, my heart just broke for your family. Please know that our Lord isn’t waiting. He is working now on the next step for Zayne. The scripture that came to mind is “They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will run and not be weary. They will walk and not faint.” He is with you. He will keep his promises to you. Please be encouraged! Y’all are greatly loved!
Jamie Lightner
Thanks so much for all your prayers. It is amazing how far across the States we have support. We appreciate all of you and feel all your love.